Clear Eyes. Full Heart.

**Disclaimer: no one freak out. I'm okay. Really. Just want to shed light on a yucky time and how I'm working on digging out.**

It's one thing to self destruct.
It's a completely other thing to watch others watching you self-destruct.
It's an even weirder thing to indulge in self-destructive behavior, recognize said behavior, recognize others recognizing it in you...and not caring.

December was probably the hardest month of my life to date.

I really hate making statements like that because I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disaster, but it was pretty awful.
Between losing my job, being unemployed, the holidays and trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with all areas of my life now....let's just say I wasn't dealing well.

After I wrote my last post, I spent the next few days in a weird place.
I don't even know how to describe what it's like to be so oblivious to how much of an emotional wreck you are.
I don't know how to describe how I didn't even recognize the state of absolute denial I was in.

I thought the day I lost my job was the worst...then Christmas rolled around.
Yikes.

It was a good wake-up call for me.
I can't keep in this pattern of 'feel-don't want to feel-drink/distract myself to sleep-wake up-start feeling-do it all over again. '

This is not how one positively recovers from an emotionally traumatic experience. If anything, you are just delaying the inevitable.

I don't think I was depressed. I don't think I'd given up completely. I think I was simply delaying my feelings because when you allow yourself to be open to dealing with your feelings and you stop masking them with distractions (pretty much anything self-indulgent), you get real sensitive.

Let's fast forward to New Years.
I actually had a great New Years Eve. I spent time with some new and old friends, danced a lot, laughed a lot and generally just had a blast.
On New Years Day, I went to see Wild at the Fleur Cinema with a friend visiting town.

If you haven't read Wild or seen the movie, you are missing out.
First of all, the book is amazing. Cheryl Strayed's writing style is raw and real. She doesn't withhold details or try to paint herself in any kind of light other than who and what she is. I admire her bravery in sharing intimate and possibly regretful details of her life. In a way, I understand her need to put it out there, to confess those things she's done she's not proud of. Someday, when I care less than I do now, I'm going to write a memoir about this time of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly....

Anyway, I went to see this movie with a friend of mine. I had already planned to go by myself because T and I had started a tradition of going to the movies on New Years Day, but my friend offered to tag along.

Reese Witherspoon was amazing. She portrayed Cheryl so well and there were so many scenes that felt reflective of my life as of late. I could relate on so many levels.
I think I cried for about half the movie, although I tried really hard to keep it together. I was in public and really didn't want to add to my list of embarrassing moments over the past few weeks.

The movie ended and we left.  I told him it was good to see him, gave him a hug and then practically ran to to the car.
I knew I was about to start crying uncontrollably and didn't want to lose it in a packed parking lot of movie-goers.

I cried the whole way home. And when I got home, I cried for about 2 hours straight.
It was overwhelming emotion. It was like all the feelings for the past 4 months were just coming out at once.
It was cathartic in a way.

I have barely shed a tear since September.  I've told everyone over and over that "I'm fine" and smiled my way through it. I don't know what is a healthy amount of times to cry in a year, but it felt like something that was really overdue.

I tend to over analyze my feelings and where they are coming from and what they mean. These past few months, however, I had been purposely avoiding that. I'd been stuffing and masking and erasing and trying pretty much anything NOT to feel. Avoidance felt like a safe place.

Then, just like that, something reminded me it is inhuman not to feel and I was finally able to let it go.

I still don't know how I feel about everything that has gone on in the past few months.
I think I got a little lost for a couple months.

Parts of me seemed to just fall off. Things I enjoyed and cared about seem to just slowly slip away. I don't know how to describe how I've felt of late. It's so strange to realize that I completely discarded stuff I really love. Not because I don't love it anymore, I have just had such a lack of feeling about anything. I've felt clouded and empty. I've felt a lack of connection to my spirit. It's painful to feel so removed from parts of myself that used to be really important to me.

I made a promise to myself that this year I would work on finding that again.

Now I feel like I'm looking at all the pieces of me lying around and I'm slowly picking them up. I'm re-examining each one to see if it's something I want to keep or leave discarded as part of the past. I'm growing new facets of me too.

Everyday I get a little closer to getting back to me.

Clear eyes. Full heart. 

It's a motto I came up with to remind myself of who I am.
I've had a clear purpose for the person I want to be. I'm a person who is passionate about life. I'm a person that loves a lot and is loyal and strong and determined.
I don't want to forget who I am and who I've worked so hard to become because of a blip in my story.

I've attempted some crazy, all-or-nothing goals (Banuary anyone?) , but I'm finding that now all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Instead of saying. "I'm not going to drink for a month and I'm going to eat super healthy and cut out gluten and workout every day for 2 hours and meditate and write for one hour daily, etc. etc...",
I'm saying I'm going to try to do some of those things a little. That I'm going to give myself some space and grace to figure it out. The idea of cutting out something completely or forcing something additional into an already busy schedule is just plain overwhelming.

I got some really good advice from a friend of mine, Jon.
He told me to give myself a break. Just take a deep breath and take it bit by bit. Baby steps. He said instead of doing what you always do (extremes), just Take Care.

I like that.
I like the idea of just taking care of me- however that may look.
Maybe some days that looks like sitting around a dirty apartment and zoning out to something on Netflix after I get home from work.
Maybe some days it looks like workouts and coffee dates and having a beer with a friend.
Maybe it looks like making a cup of tea, putting on some music and writing in my journal.

All I know, is it looks like giving myself space to think and feel.
It looks like recognizing this hole I have inside and not stuff it full of anything less than something good.
It looks like seeking the things that fill me with light and love and allowing the past to be the past.

It looks like clear eyes.
It looks like a full heart.

I got this fortune the Sunday after New Years. I believe in signs. 

My Burning Bush

Have you ever had a series of seemingly bad events in succession?
Have you ever had major life changes happen in such a short span of time that it feels like a divine message?

Yeah.
Me either.

Until 2 weeks ago.

In the past year, I have:
- Tried to repair a failing relationship
- Changed jobs 2 times
- Left a super stable job for a start-up
- Ended the failing relationship

Then, two weeks ago, my start-up job ended.
For the first time in my life, I found myself without a person to lean on, without a job and seemingly without hope.
For me, it felt like rock bottom.

I've never lost a job.
I've never spent the holidays without a 'person' in my life.

The first thing I did when I left my job for the last time was call my Dad.
I literally didn't know what to do. I was borderline panic attack.
My dad was going to leave work because I was that upset. He actually told me to stop driving a car. To know my family is to know this is pretty serious. I was really upset.
Instead, I went to my sister's house. She stays home with her girls so I called her and drove over.
I cried all morning and felt sorry for myself, ate some of her leftovers and then slept all afternoon.

I hung out with my friend Mandy that night and we talked about everything that had been going on in my life as of late.
I've had multiple friends tell me I need to 'deal' with my feelings.
And I haven't wanted to. I have half-assed it. Took a couple days to be 'normal.' Started some self-help type books. Medidated. Exercised. But mostly, I've preferred to spend my time sleeping or buzzed and forgetting all about how my heart is broken.
I prefer to not acknowledge how I feel like I don't have a plan and I'm a little lost.
It's uncomfortable for me.
I always have a plan.
I always know what my next step is.

For the first time in my life, I literally have no idea what I'm doing.

We talked about how I've been dealing with break-up and subsequent feelings. And the fact is, I haven't. I've masked it as much as possible. Which, in a way, is super weird for me. I'm normally a 'let's address this now' kind of person. But for whatever reason, I keep thinking I shouldn't be upset about ending a 5 year relationship so I find myself stuffing it down. Masking it. Hiding. Escaping.

My job ending at the start-up was a slap in the face. A wake-up call.
I told Mandy, "This is my burning bush."

I can't deny it anymore.
Something big is happening in my life.
I look back over the past year and all the events leading up to this time and it's like I'm being FORCED to take a hard look at myself and what I'm doing.

On the day my job ended, one of my friends said this to me:


Re-center...Re-focus...
Situations like this always have two outcomes: a dangerous destructive spiral, and a silver lining you never saw coming. My first instinct would be to go out, get fucked up, and self loath...Please don't choose that. You've never owed it yourself, more than you do now, to really pursue what makes you happy. This is hard, and will take time, but I believe in you


It was the perfect advice. I re-read it often. Because sometimes I need to be reminded that all is not lost. That I CAN do something amazing. That I am worthy of something good.
It's always a reminder to me to never give up. 
But I KNOW I can't. 
I don't ever ever ever want to reflect on my life and say 'Aw man, I wish I would have done x.' 
I remember being at this conference a couple years ago and the speaker asking us, 'Think about when you are 90 years old and sitting on your front porch and reflecting on your life, what are the things you want to remember?'
I was crying while I was writing my answer because all I could think about is how much I had put on the back-burner or never pursued because I was too scared. 
All the things I kept as 'hobbies' because pursuing them as a career seemed too unstable. 
How much I sacrificed for a comfortable life. 
Writing. Food. People. All the things I love and am passionate about. 
The things that drive me. And feed my soul. 


So, I got up the next day and updated my resumé. Applied for a job. Filed for unemployment. Stopped crying. Took a deep breath and reflected.

What do I want to do?

I've always wanted to own a coffee-shop or a restaurant.
I love to cook. I love people. I love to food. I love to take care of people. I love making people happy and having a good time. I love the community of a restaurant. I love how everyone is family. I love how cooking and serving is something they love, but they are all unique and have cool, interesting things outside of the restaurant. They are artists, musicians, DJs, writers, crossfitters, barbers, moms, dads and the best of friends. I love the hustle and bustle.
I love Des Moines deep in my heart. Like deep.
It's my home and this city is freaking amazing. (see this FB post).

I want to do something to contribute to the growth of this city and to have a place that I can call home.
So I decided that ultimately, I want to open my own restaurant.
Problem: I have ZERO experience in this area.

I talked to everyone I know that works in the industry. They all said 'Get a job in a kitchen.' Learn from the ground up.

So I reached out on FB. A friend told me about an opening so I reached out to the owner. And out of pure luck and ambition, I got a job.

Next week, I'll start working at a new place opening up in downtown.
I'll also be helping out a friend that is an insurance agent.
And doing taxes at H&R.
And still selling Arbonne.
Hustle life.

I don't even know that all these jobs will be enough to cover my bills.
But you know what?

I. don't. care. 

Because, for the first time in my life, I'm not taking the safe road.
I'm reaching out to do things that interest me and seeing what happens.
I'm getting outside my comfort zone and pursuing passion over comfort.
Maybe 6 months or a year from now, I'll decide it's too much and go back to a safe, high-paying corporate job.

But I highly doubt it.
If I did that, I'd get comfortable with the money and just be miserable and stay there.
I'd never chase my dreams.


When I left my stable corporate job, I told everyone 'I'd live in my car before I'd go back.'
And...that may still happen. :)

All I know is this:

Life is too short to be unhappy in what you are doing.
Life is too short to be safe.

You only get one shot at this.
So...
Do the things. Try everything. Make the mistakes.
Get swallowed up, spit out and drag yourself off the ground and GET UP AGAIN.
Be slapped in the face with life. Recognize your burning bush and take the opportunity to do something you've never done before.
You may go down in a blaze of glory.
But at least you can say you tried.
Don't live life with regrets.
Don't look back and wish you would have done it differently.

For me, life will always be putting it all out there and seeing what happens.
Maybe that means I'll always have to deal with disappointment and hurt, but at least I can say I gave it my all.
I got a big heart and big dreams and I'm not about to change that because of one or two or three setbacks.

One of my favorite lyrics says:

I'm a own so many belts the only place they can hit me is below em

My aunt said to me the other day, 'Don't fall off the deep end.' 
And maybe I was close. 

I know as long as I live, I will always fight back. 

I have no idea how all of this is going to play out. 
Maybe in 2 months you'll get another post from me saying it was a terrible idea and I'm back at corporate life collecting cash and being another cog in the wheel.
I hope not. 
In fact, I seriously doubt it.



Stay tuned friends.

xo,
Nic

Heart Yoga

I started going to this yoga studio in my neighborhood. I like being in the studio occasionally to get instruction and adjustment and also- community. But mostly I’m going because I get a free week the first week and one of my friends teaches there.

Tonight, I got home later than planned and a flat bike tire meant no long Tuesday night ride for tacos (not really #eatingcleanchallenge0414 friendly anyway) so I made a quick omelet, scarfed some veggies and hummus and went to the 7:45 Power I class.

All the Power I classes are structured the same- there are some basics poses that are practiced- Sun Salutations A &B, ukastana (chair pose), pigeon and of course, crow. I’ve done these poses a thousand times. But today was different. It felt hard. I couldn’t get my hips squared in warrior. I couldn’t release my neck in ANY pose. My quads burned during ukastana. I felt frustrated that I couldn’t get it right and just move fluidly through the poses. I felt awkward and it felt like a struggle.

The instructor said some things during class that struck me. He talked about being in our bodies. Feeling what is happening inside our bodies when we move through the poses. Focusing inward on our spirit and flowing through the movements however our body allows. Then, finally, towards the end, he said something that resonated with me. We were hugging our knees to our chest after doing some floor poses and he said ‘Don’t just half hug yourself. No one likes that when hugging someone for real- that half hug where they pull away slightly. REALLY hug you. If you can’t love yourself, how do you think other people could? Hug yourself hard.’

So I did.

I squeezed my knees in and really hugged me. I felt IN my body. I realized, in that moment, how much I’ve been living outside myself. How I’ve been so focused on all the outer circumstances that I haven’t been loving myself very well. I’m in a job I don’t love and I’m in a place in life that feels unsure. I gained a couple pounds over the winter and it’s been a struggle to get it off.

I’ve been focused on food intake and exercise output and how that affects the scale. I’ve been doing the old binge and hate yourself and then eat ‘good’ the next day routine. I’ve been focused on how those extra pounds feel under my skin and I don’t like it. So I’ve punished me. I’ve given up sleep and rest to go for that extra run or make that early class just so I don’t feel ‘guilty’ about the salads and fruits I’m eating during the day. I’ve counted calories and pinched extra bits on my body in disgust and adjusted and readjusted before anyone notices the muffin top peeking over my jeans.

I’ve been focused on all the negative things happening at my job. The poor communication. Working on the weekends. I’ve been focused on who shows up and doesn’t show up for meetings and who is picking up the slack and frankly, how some people are still employed in management. So I’ve gotten negative and harsh and critical. I’ve been defiant and mean and cursed a lot. I’ve bucked the system and gotten mad and threatened to leave.

I’ve been focused on my future. And what is and isn’t happening in it. Where I’m going and where I’ve been. Where I want to be and where I don’t. I’ve been focused on what could happen or what could not happen and how do I feel about that? And what should I do? And how should I prepare for impact? So I’ve retreated. I’ve avoided decisions and confrontations. I have skirted around hard conversations and continued to feel out of place and honestly, a bit lost.

I’ve felt anxious and unhappy.

I’ve felt alone and unsure.

I haven’t felt like me.

But tonight- for 20 seconds during that self hug, I felt me.

I felt that all the things happening right now are happening because they are supposed to. I felt a wave of comfort and calm wash over me and I felt that love deep within. I quit feeling uncomfortable in my skin, anxious about work and worried about life- I just felt ME.

I prayed right that second for the Holy Spirit to just continually fill me with that love. To continue to remind me of all the good that is still happening in seemingly overwhelming circumstances. My frustration with my yoga practice today is probably because I went to kick-boxing before work this morning and gave it my all, left my worries on the floor with my sweat. My frustration with my job is because it’s a challenge and an opportunity for me to grow, learn and show love and positivity to those I work with. Even if it’s not my passion, I can still empower others and be salt and light. My frustration with my future and life is a lesson being learned in patience, trust and most of all, humility.

I’ve gone to this yoga studio twice this week. Both times I was adjusted by the instructor. In shavasana. Corpse pose. I mean, who gets adjusted during relaxing? But the instructor came and pushed down my shoulders, stretched my neck and rubbed around the edge of my face and up towards my brow and it just calmed me and in that moment, I felt that prayer being answered. I felt full of light and love and also fully aware of ME- the limits of my body and also the infinite stretches of my spirit.

Walking home from the studio, I was forming this post in my mind. I’ve been so neglectful of the things I care about that really center me (hello- writing!) and I’ve been trying really hard to make a lot of things just happen for me. I’m starting to wonder if maybe some of those things I’ve been pushing so hard at aren’t meant to be. That maybe sometimes life hands you lemons and you don’t get lemonade. Sometimes you just get a crapton of lemons to deal with and you just have to lug them around until you find the sugar and ice and transformation can take place.

I didn’t solve all my problems today and tomorrow there will be a whole host of new ones.

But, for a few minutes today, I loved myself well.

Me. In my Easter getup. This dress makes me feel like a million bucks. Also? Like a character off Mad Men. 

PS. I guessed on how to spell all the Sanskrit names. Phonetics only. You’re welcome.

PPS. You should read this article. And then stop being that girl. I know you are her. Because I am too. We all are. Let’s start loving ourselves more. (Thanks for sharing the article Emily! Love you!!)

PPSS (? I honestly don’t know what comes after PPS) 

And also, stop saying ‘Oh you’re being good?’ when someone is eating healthy. No one is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on food choices. Just stop. (Thanks for that one Christina- I can’t stop correcting myself since you said that!). 

Better

I don’t really want to reflect on this past year.

I don’t really want to come up with my ‘one word’ or ‘goal’ or ‘resolution.’

When I think about the expectations I had for 2013 and how it ended, I don’t feel inspired or driven. I feel…disappointed.

My therapist said ‘Expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen.’ Or something like that. I think she’s right. I went into 2013 so full of hopes and dreams and goals and plans of my own doing. When December 31^st rolled around, I sure didn’t expect it to be this way.

I know everyone else is writing about coming into the year so full of energy and spunk and ALIVENESS.

But I’m coming in cautious.

I am still thinking of what specific personal goals I want to accomplish this year with my health- spiritual and physical, relationships, hobbies, finances and business. But mostly?

I just want to be better.

I want to be a better listener. To God. To myself. To T. To friends. I want to actually HEAR what is being said to me and not just dismiss what I feel doesn’t apply to me or what I don’t want to believe.

I want to be a better reader. I used to read passionately. Everything. Now I read mostly dumb articles off Facebook. I want to read books and learn things.

I want to be a better caretaker. For the most part, I take a good job of myself. But recently I just stopped caring and I can feel it. I don’t want to be that person that doesn’t care about themselves. I want to love myself just as much as I love others.

I haven’t figured out what the specificities of these statements will be yet. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do all the things and I think for once I just want to be and FEEL what it is like to be better instead of measuring it in exact quantities.

(I say this full knowing the nerd in me will need some kind of tracking. Which is okay. I just really wanted to say that sometimes I need to give myself a break.)

The past couple days have been weirdly emotional and reflective for me-even more than normal new years past. I don’t know what 2014 is going to be like. I don’t have a lot of ideas how it will end up or where I will be or what I will be doing.

I just want it to be better.

I dreamed last night that I broke some of my teeth. I was brushing my teeth and there was blood and bits of tooth that came out. I asked everyone what happened and they said I must have fallen. I tried to recall if I fell and I couldn’t remember. I just kept running my tongue over those jagged bits of bone in my mouth feeling panicked and scared because I didn’t know what or why it was happening.

I looked it up on Google and dreaming of broken teeth can mean instability and lack of balance; issues with reliability and trust; guilt or concerns over broken promises; emotional pain; fear or loss; price paid for costly compromises; or an invitation to look at the dreamer’s current           course of action or path.

Um….check. All of the above.

So I’m cautious.

Carefully optimistic about what 2014 has to offer me.

I’m not saying all this to sound like I’m depressed and that the entire year was a failure, or that I’m not excited about goals and resolutions. But. 2013 was just a little much for me. It was high highs and the lowest lows. I’d prefer something a little more even keeled.

Preferably not the worst and I’m not even requesting the best. Just a little better.  

I know every day is a new day to grow in grace and all those things everyone says, but New Year’s just feels different.

It feels like a fresh slate to create fresh new memories.

I’m not the same I was at the start of 2013. I’m different.

I hope 2014 is too. 

Anticipation and Expectation

I spent the two days before Christmas enjoying all the fun the season has to offer. T and I went on our annual Christmas tree lights drive. I baked and cooked and watched Christmas movies. I wrote cards and leisurely planned my days.

As a kid, I loved Christmas Eve too.

There is something so magical about the night before Christmas. The expectation and anticipation.

It is also sort of sad to me too. When the night was over, it was Christmas and that was the last of the ‘fun’ days of winter break. Life just went back to normal.

I never wanted the night to end. I remember wanting to sleep so I could wake up for the gifts and family time, but also wanting to stay awake and not let the night end. I remember watching the glow of the Christmas lights on our house through my window and trying to stay awake.  

I think about that now. How I often live in excitement and expectation of things to come. How sometimes I don’t want for that time to end because I’m afraid it will just be all back to normal…the magic of the upcoming holiday gone already forgotten.

My hope is that expectation begins to live in my heart all year long- that I can live in positive and happy anticipation, readying myself for the next stages of life.

Christmas is meant to be a time of remembrance and excitement leading up to the birth of Jesus. But it’s not over then.

Jesus is coming back. We should always be living in the expectation of Him returning. I want the excitement, joy and longing to last well beyond one night.

It’s funny how the day after Christmas things can seem so mundane and without light. There is all the built up joy of the lights and the shopping and the baking and the family and the rushing around for it to all culminate into a few hours of celebration and then it’s done. The next day you are left feeling void and sort of hopeless.

But that’s not the truth is it?

Jesus birth was on Christmas but then he was WITH US. He grew into a boy and a man who eventually died on the cross for you and me. Each day after his birth was a day of hope and renewal. Each day beyond that baby boy was one of everlasting peace.

I think it’s so easy to fall back into the trap of the day after Christmas blues. Back to alarms. Back to work. Back to emails. Meetings. Bills. Cleaning.

I was surprised at how easily I slipped back into being the same unfulfilled self. How quickly I was able to forget the joy that is Christmas.

 What if I lived with that joy in my heart all year? What if I continued to remember the magic of what Jesus birth means? What if everyday I focused my heart on Him?

Emmanuel.

God With Us.

Jesus With Us.

Just because December 25^th passed by doesn’t mean Jesus left too.

He’s here every day in the alarms, the work, the emails, the meetings, the bills and the cleanings. He’s in the cold winter morning runs. He’s in the cloudy snowy skies. He’s in the seemingly endless waiting for this that and the other to change or ‘go our way.’ He’s in the family discord and the family love. He’s there for all of it. He’s right beside us. Holding us up. Cheering us on. 

Leading us to Him.

So now that the presents are unwrapped and the food is eaten and we are all feeling a little ‘over’ the holiday, let’s continue to live in good anticipation and longing for Jesus.

Emmanuel.

He is With us. 

A Girl Named Nicole

Hey ya'll- I'm linking up over at the Influence Network today to meet and greet with all the ladies new and old to Influence. Check it out here.

Hi there.

I'm Nicole.

Known as NicMarie on the interwebs and to my favorite IRL people.

Here's 3 things about me. 

1 I love my soon-to-be husband T 

and my furbaby Roxy.

They get a lot of press on the blog my instagram feed. 

2 In one single day last October, I ran my 1st marathon, got my 7th tattoo and got engaged to the love of my life.

Go big or go home. 

3 I'm still figuring out 'me' everyday. I'll never have all the answers to life's conundrums. EvenMe is all about finding balance the meantime and foods/goals/books/coffee/travels/music that I enjoy along the way. 

The forums on the Influence Network have been invaluable. There is so much good happening there - women sharing their tips and strategies as well as their hearts. I'm grateful to have been one of the founding members of the network and I can't wait to see the amazing things this community of women will do together!

Don't forget to check out all the awesome women of Influence!

When Jesus Takes the Wheel...Literally

The two weeks preceding this one were not the best.

In fact, the first week of February I have affectionately dubbed 'The Worst Week Ever.'

The last week of January was a whirlwind.

I worked at my regular job but also Tuesday night, Friday night, Saturday 9 to 9 and Sunday 12:30 to 5 at my part-time job. In between all that, I tried to get in time with T, friend time, runs and workouts, groceries, laundry, etc. By Sunday night I was exhausted and didn't feel at all rested up for the busy week to come.
It was also month end at my day-time job. In the finance world, that means BUSY. Days of full-on thinking- deadlines looming, people waiting, phones ringing. There are a couple of days of just waiting to see what's going to happen and praying nothing breaks. It's just go, go, go.

The first full week of February I was somehow late to work (day job) every day. I worked (night job) Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday again. I was trying to squeeze in blog posts, errands, workouts, emails, couple time, etc.

By the time Sunday rolled around, I was beyond spent.

I had a complete melt-down on Wednesday morning while trying to rush around for work. One in which I called T from the car on the way to work and just bitched for 15 solid minutes. Near tears and cursing because the dog took too long to go potty and didn't she know I was late??
Wednesday night my fiance got sick and I got to clean up vomit for an hour while I was half asleep. That was fun.
Thursday I was late to work (again) mostly because of the late night vomit clean up and spent all day in meetings and running around.
Friday I get through the day only to get home and have a letter waiting telling me I'm losing my drivers license in March.


Yeah, that happened.



You know why I'm losing my license?
Too many speeding tickets in a rolling 12 months.


I went to driving school once already. I had 3 (this originally said 12- MAJOR typo) tickets in a year so I spent a couple of summer evenings in a special class with a bunch of 16 year-olds to talk about why I speed and how it makes me feel. I got a certificate of completion and the go ahead to drive- but no speeding tickets in the next year or I lose your license.
Flash forward to November.
I"m on my way to a training class (running late of course), and trying to avoid freeway traffic I go through town and get a speeding ticket in a residential area.

I tried to fight that ticket. (side note- that court date was during this past 2 weeks too)
I went and sat in the courthouse awaiting my transportation fate. Turns out, the city prosecutor doesn't reduce tickets to warnings and once you get one you pretty much can't do anything about it.

See the pattern here?
I'm late a lot.
Why am I always late?
Because I plan too many things.

Hi.
My name is Nicole.

I'm a chronic overscheduler. 


I have a tendency to say 'yes' to everything.
I get excited about social events with my friends  I love volunteering and want to help out where I can. I like having goals and projects to keep me busy.
The problem is I say 'yes' to ALL of it without considering regular stuff like grocery shopping, laundry and sleep.

Saying 'yes' to 100% of all the things means I can't be 100% in any area of my life. 

My relationships suffer.
I make plans to be places and do things and either end up being late to meet people, having to reschedule once I realized I took on too much, or plain forgetting and not showing up at all. Then I feel super bad about one or all of those things. I not only let myself down, I damage my relationships by looking unreliable and inconsiderate.

My health suffers.
One day in the past two weeks, I had to take an afternoon off and just sleep because I had a headache so bad from lack of sleep. Even when I was sleeping at night, it was uneasy. My mind racing all night long and waking up dreading the mile-high to-do list I had created. I'd end up curling back up under the covers wishing for sleep and it all to go away.
I still worked out where I could and tried to eat healthy, but at night, when I was alone and feeling like  I had failed at my day- I'd eat. And eat. And eat.
I found myself reverting to old binge-eating type habits to try and make myself feel better.  That's not something I'm proud of or even that comfortable admitting, but it's the truth. It reminded me of when I used to smoke and if I got stressed I'd smoke and smoke until I was ill.
And each time I did it, I'd just feel worse about me and disappointed in what I did to my body.
That kind of behavior is not okay.

My work suffers.
When I plan too much, I can't focus. My mind is constantly spinning in what I'm going to do next and how am I going to fit it all in and I end up only giving 75%, maybe. The other 25% or so just lost in a haze of fretting.

My moods suffer
I was a hot mess. Irritable one minute, fine the next. Tired, cranky, overstressed. I snapped at people. I cursed a lot. There was one day where I didn't speak to anyone at work because I was wound so tight I was afraid I'd explode on anyone who even dropped by for a casual chat. I felt out of control, anxious and on the verge of a complete breakdown.


I ended up taking a couple days off from both jobs last week.
I spent hours cooking a delicious meal to celebrate Valentine's Day with T.
It was relaxing to just work on one thing and not worry about having to be 10 other places.
I cleaned my condo.
I did my laundry.
I visited my newborn niece.
I napped.
I ran.
I just took some time to do whatever it was I needed to do and not get caught up in all the other stuff. 

I think, as women, and especially women of my generation, we have a tendency to want to do it all.
To be the best wife, friend, employee, co-worker, volunteer all the while looking cute and fit doing it. And you know what?

That is a freaking illusion.
No one can be 'on' all the time.

You can for a period of time and that gives you confidence, so you gain momentum thinking 'I CAN do this!' and then all of a sudden, something turns.
If one of those spinning plates in the air starts to wiggle, it all comes crashing down.

I've said more than once here on EvenMe how I need to find balance and how #restisbest. I mean, my whole intention starting this blog was to write about my journey to balance in all areas of life. Obviously, I haven't been heeding my own advice.

If I've learned anything in these past two weeks, it's this:

To be the best at anything, I MUST make time for rest. 

Have to.
That means saying 'no' to some stuff and not feeling bad about it or like I have to make some excuse for it.
That means scheduling 'me' time that involves no media, no tasks, no nothing- maybe just some hot tea and a book or a nice afternoon nap.
That means taking a hard look at all my varied interests and choosing a few to focus on when my schedule allows.
That means putting people first and letting all the other stuff go.
That means maybe not putting so much pressure on myself to do all and be all.

This post was going to be named 'What Happens When You Can't Say No' or 'Tales of a Reformed Over-Scheduler' or something, but the Keri Underwood reference was just too funny. 

And if losing my license after a series of months of feeling overwhelmed, over extended and late isn't a sign from Jesus telling me to take a break and slow down...then I don't know what is.

One of the good things that came out of this mess was a renewed prayer life. The Lord and I had a LOT of talks over the past few weeks and we are keeping it up. My hope and comfort rests in Him. 

When I'm stretching myself too thin, I become toxic to myself. It's funny how the bit of scripture you can be reading through a daily devotion can be so timely! You #shereadstruth ladies know what I'm talking about! 

The moral of the story is this: It's not possible to do it all. 


And you shouldn't try.


Or you may end up hiring a teenager to drive you around for 3 months.
Just kidding, I'm getting a work permit. :)

Are you a chronic overscheduler?

How do you cope with stress when you realize you've taken on too much?

Do you revert to old habits?

This post is dedicated to my ever-loving fiance- T. Thanks honey for keeping calm and grounded when I was all over the place. I love living life with you. XO

Thankful Thursday: Rest vs. Waste

I've been thinking a lot about time lately.
How about how grateful I am for the time that I have.
On this earth.
In this body.
In this life.

I have so many things to be grateful for: amazing fiance, good health, successful job, great family, supportive friends, fabulous church community...the list could go on.

But how often do I really just enjoy each of these things?
How often do I really let myself be in the moment?
How often do I really savor these gifts without thinking about what else I need to cross off my to-do list?

I spent a lot of my life before the recent years just sort of bumbling along. Yeah I had a job and went to school and did family things, but I didn't really feel a purpose or direction in life. I spent a lot of time doing what I thought I should be doing.
Then a shift happened where I realized just how precious time is. And just how much I want to experience and do and create and be and accomplish in this life.
As cliche as it may sound, there really is a whole wide world out there just waiting for you.

Often my zeal for life can turn into a frenzy of running from one activity to the next.
Lately, I've been thinking if that is really what is intended by living life to the fullest.
Is it meant to be a flurry of activity with the days just being ticked off quickly and without a second thought?

I've noticed that unless each day of my calendar is filled to the brim with activities and tasks and most often too many things humanly possible to accomplish...I feel like maybe I'm wasting time.
That if I'm not doing all the things right now I might lose out on an opportunity or fail to 'someday' do all those things I always said I was going to do.
Call it the perfectionist in me, but I really have a hard time taking a break. I'm an 'all or nothing' kind of gal in pretty much all areas of life.
I say, quite often, that I never want to look back on my life and say that I wasted any time.
I want to know that in each and every moment- I truly lived.

What I'm realizing (albeit slowly) is that truly living doesn't look like:

-a fully-crossed out to-do list

-home cooked meals every night

-a 24/7 laundry folded and put away, dishes done, dog hair swept house

-each of my relationships in perfect harmony (meaning I do ALL the dinners, coffee meet ups, phone calls, etc when some days I just need a break from people and that people understand that)

-being involved in every community event/group/organization (there are hundreds even in my little city)

- every second filled with some kind of activity


Truly living actually looks like:

-Enjoying a beautiful sunset

-A couple hours on a Saturday afternoon to get pretty for a date with my favorite guy

 - Spending an afternoon with the kids in my family to celebrate a baby birthday

- An afternoon in one of my favorite coffee shops for an amazing grilled cheese and novel writing

- A good cup of coffee after a quiet sunrise run

 

 

- Ice in my cup at work after our machine was broken most of the week

 

- Baking a favorite childhood treat to warm my house and my belly

 

- A favorite song on my Itunes

What I'm realizing is truly living looks occasionally like

And you know what else?

Last night, rest looked like saying 'no' to a previously planned girls dinner to spend a much needed night-in with my boy: his cooked pasta dinner, red velvet cake and the most recent Walking Dead

The first day of the The Influence Conference I listened to John Saddington speak about entrepreneurship. That night, amid my brain overload decompressing session, I made this list:

I think I need to refer to it more often.

Also, this week, I read Jessi's post (must read!) and number 2 hit me like a slap across the face:

Do I constantly put my 'to-dos' in front of relationships?
Do I make people feel like my schedule is so overloaded I don't have time to rest in their company?
Do I make time with them feel like a waste?

I really, really hope I don't.

I want to say right now- if you are a friend, family member, co-worker, acquaintance, even a complete stranger that had an interaction with me and at some point I've made you feel less than important-

I am truly sorry.

I am going to be better.
I am going to be more thankful for each moment- big or small.
I am going to be grateful for each interaction- profound or not.
I am going to be more leery about adding anything to my schedule - its quite full already.
I am going to REST more.

This Thursday, I'm thankful for:

Recognizing when I need a break.

Second chances to get it right.

Rest.

Comment here and then check out all the links over at Amanda's blog

Aaaaand....don't forget to follow me on twitter and instagram for daily #30daysofthanksgiving! (user name: nicmarie17)

#30DaysofThanksgiving...AKA Nutty November

I can’t speak for everyone that attended, but I’m still feeling the after effects of Influence.

When I first got home, I felt inspired and energized and full of ideas.

Now I just feel a little bit stretched and burned out and overwhelmed.

Where do I start?

 Mug and contents lovely courtesy of Jill at Ernestine Edna

 

You know how sometimes you have all these amazing ideas and it seems so easy to just fit them into your life and somehow it will all work out? Then when you ACTUALLY try to do that everything just sort of gets mucked up?

For instance, one of my post-influence goals was just to write MORE. Set I up a couple of sessions a week where I work on my blog and write- however that looks. So far those 2 writing sessions barely seem like enough for me to do all the posts I want (I have a list a mile long and a head bursting at the seams with ideas), follow up on all the social media (my goodness!-my twitter feed and email is out of control post Influence) and learn all the techy things I need to make my blog more attractive to readers (buttons, graphics, stuff I don’t even know I need).

I tend to think I need another 20+ hours a week to work on my blog and all my IDEAS.

I make it sound like work.

But really it’s not. In fact, it’s the opposite of work for me.

I can go to the coffee shop and spend 2-3 hours writing posts and planning future posts. Sorting through all my pictures and conjuring visions of what the final post will look like.

I can stay up all night reading through the blogs of all the ladies I met (or met post conference through Twitter), delving into your lives. Into the details of marriages and babies or of world travels. Of your happiest moments. Of your woes. Of your 5-minute Fridays, or Friday favs or OOTD or WIAW or 31 day series.

I am simultaneously in love with and completed bewildered by the sheer amount of women out there I can connect to.

I have tried to follow everyone on twitter, follow all the blogs and keep up on most everyone’s life. I’m afraid that may not be possible. As much as my people-pleaser personality wants everyone to feel my love through blog comments or ‘favorited’ tweets- it’s just not going to happen.

(With that being said- please don’t feel slighted if I haven’t reached out to you yet and we exchanged business cards. I’m still working through my pile of 75 or more. You are all AWESOME. Hugs!)

I’ve also been trying to read through everyone’s influence posts and can I say…ahem...

Ladies.

For reals.

We have GOT to start giving ourselves more credit.

It’s interesting to me how many of us felt that we were somehow ‘unworthy’ to be in the same room with the celebrity bloggers. Or how many of us thought we weren’t ‘trendy’ enough or ‘pretty’ enough or ‘mommy’ enough or ‘jesus-y’ enough.

Maybe interesting is not the right word. It might be ridiculous.

And reading Becca’s post on gossip just about made me cry.

Made me wonder…was I ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE? Did I make a comment out of my own insecurity just to make me feel better? I’ll admit that’s happened before. I’m not proud of it and it’s definitely something I need to work on…something I’m guessing we all need to work on.

All I’m saying is this:

·         I STILL need to learn how I can’t do #allthethings (buy the t-shirt at Influence 2013!)

·       I STILL need to learn that I’m okay with just being ME- even if that means I’m not the trendiest, mommiest, jesusiest, etc. God loves me the way I am. And heck of a lot of other people too.

·        I STILL need to learn to not put others down just to make myself feel better. I pray EVERYDAY for the capacity to love others fearlessly. You know what that means? It means loving others the way Jesus does- without judgment, without shame, without anything but PURE LOVING KINDNESS.

None of these things are going to be fixed overnight.

Or even in the next week.

But I can try. I can continue to ‘run the race’ (Hebrews 12:1- one of my favorite verses) and work towards becoming the best person I can be- balanced in body, mind and soul- Even Me.

Sometimes, I get frustrated that I can’t make my schedule work the way I want. That sometimes life gets in the way. I keep saying ‘next week I won’t plan as much’ or ‘after this I’ll stop committing to stuff’ but it never seems to happen.

I made some goals at influence and I intend to enforce them.

To quit making excuses for my life being ‘so busy.’

To make time for the things that matter and put the rest to rest. Literally.

To quit feeling guilty about the stack of books I haven’t read, the stack of magazines I haven’t perused, the hours of twitter updates I missed, all those TV shows I haven’t been watching, all those naps I haven’t been taking.

And focus on the things that encourage me to grow and stretch ‘my tent’ (Jessi mentioned this verse at Influence…maybe somewhere in Isaiah? If someone knows...please comment!) - writing, reading, running, cooking/reading/loving/talking/laughing together with those people I can’t live without. Those are the things that I should focus on.

So how do I do that? How do I balance my vocation and my avocation? My passion and my purpose?

Sign myself up for more stuff!!

No, seriously- I wrote the first half of this post on Tuesday and last night at 11:30, I was signing myself up for NaNoWriMo and committing to writing a 50,000 word novel in November.

This is how I roll.

If I’ve learned anything about myself recently, it’s that I THRIVE on being stretched and challenged. That being ‘busy’ IS how I stay balanced.

So what if my laundry isn’t done, there is toothpaste in my sink and my there are random piles of dog hair floating around my condo?

This week I:

-          Spent time in community with my church family

-          Made some connections online with a fabulous nonprofit (More to come!!)

-          Started reading a friends book (More to come- review and author interview!!)

-          Went trick or treating with my youngest niece and nephews. Shared laughs and candy with my mom, sisters and brother in law

-          Had a Halloween date with T, my wonderful fiancé - complete with homemade chili and a marathon session of The Walking Dead

-          Met with some amazing local people of influence in my community

-          Drank a lot of amazing coffee- Pumpkin Chai lattes anyone?

-          Started a NOVEL (bucketlist item!)

-          Got in a run every day- even a couple times with my Roxydog (if you didn’t know, it’s Run every day till New Year’s so you can eat Holiday treats without guilt time. See my post from last year HERE. I started after Thanksgiving last year)

-          Connected with a local organization on leading a volunteer effort for a large scale festival next summer

-          Joined a link up with Sincerely Amanda and all the other Influence ladies for 30 Days of Thanksgiving

 

So in honor of Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving I’m saying ‘goodbye’ to an empty calendar and idle time.

Hello to a full heart, an energized mind and a soothed soul.

This Thursday I’m thankful for:

...Being blessed with the resources and opportunity to experience life in all the amazing ways I have been privy too

...The most handsome cheerleader a girl could ask for, my future husband, T.

...My family- no matter what we can always share laughs together. (AND when my sisters make me homemade candy necklaces and roasted pumpkin seeds- SCORE!)

 

...My job- I work with some amazing people and each day is opportunity to learn and grow

...My town- I love you Des Mo.

 

Coffee. For sure. Coffee.

 

Make sure you:

- Link up with Amanda over at Sincerely Amanda.

- Pick up the beautiful button she made- it’s so classy and festive (check it out on my sidebar!)

-All month long use this hashtag #30daysofthanksgiving to share what you are thankful for

-SHARE in the comments

 

What are you thankful for this week? Friends? Family? Cookies?

All good things in my book.

**This post brought to you by ridiculous amounts of Caffeine for the first day of NaNoWriMo**