One Month

It's been a month since I broke up with T.
I had a realization after the last break that nothing was really going to change for us.
It had been a year since the wedding/engagement was called off and I realized I couldn't see a future for us anymore.

So I made the decision to call it.

I know it was the right decision and I made it for the right reasons.
BUT, that doesn't mean it was any easier.
I've been unpleasantly surprised by how much it still hurt. And how angry I've been.

I'll be honest.
I haven't been the best version of myself this entire month.
Sitting home alone late at night is the hardest. Too much time on my hands to think.

Luckily though, I have some really amazing friends and family that have kept me busy.
I've been going out with friends and enjoying being free to make all my own decisions.
I've been meeting new people and trying new things and just giving myself some space to figure out the life I want to lead.

I want to say that I'm not feeling a little hardened by this experience.
But I can't.
A couple weeks ago I spent an entire Sunday in bed feeling sad and angry.
I spent a year trying to be patient, gracious and understanding.
And I feel like I got shit on.

I've felt a little lost.
A little off kilter.
Like I'm just not quite sure what my next move is.
Its hard to wrap your head around how many decisions you were holding off on making or not making due to another person's presence in your life.

I'm a girl with all the feelings.
I can't help it.
I really do love people and if I care about you, I'll be there for you no matter what.
So like I've said before- having big love for people means having big vulnerability.

Life can be sort of fucked up. I'm trying not to get too jaded about it.

Because life can be sort of awesome too.

People can constantly surprise you and everyday is a new opportunity to be the person you want to be.

I know who I am.
I know what I want for my life.
I know that when I'm doing the things that I love and the being the person I'm intended to be- I attract the right people to my life.

Here is to new adventures.

Thoughts from the Road

Have you ever heard the sound of silence?
No cars driving in the distance or the scurrying of people starting their day...but absolute silence?

That is what the woods of San Isabel National Forest are like.
The morning of my last full day in Salida, I hiked the Colorado Trail in Mt. Princeton.
I picked an easy path that wound up around the back of the mountain at a steady incline.
When I stopped walking and the sound of my labored breathing and scuffling of running shoes against the terrain ceased, I stood still and listened.

And I heard...nothing.

Not a single person was within a half mile of me, nor were their any roads close.
Even the birds were quiet that morning.

The sound of silence in nature can make the sounds in your head so loud.
Almost ridiculous.

My cousin said to me, "It'll be good for you to come to the mountains. They are so big and it makes whatever problems you are facing seem so small."

The mountains do make me feel small.
Being that alone in nature almost makes me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not used to that amount of reduced distraction.

The day before, I did some hiking of the trails around Garden of the Gods.

I climbed up on some of the rocks and I had a stark realization.
No one knows where I am.

I didn't tell anyone the exact spot I was in. I didn't check in with anyone about my plans and where I was headed. I just did it.

Realizing how alone I actually was made me feel insignificant.
As if having a person makes my life matter any more than it did before?

I sat on top of that rock and used my camera to take a timed selfie.
Then I thought, I could fall off this rock and someone might not find my body for days.
No one knows I'm here.

Then I thought...

This is how people disappear.

I could get in a car and drive and drive and go wherever I want.
I could hide out in these mountains and spend days without speaking to another soul.
I could pack up my belongings and settle in a new place.
I could be a whole different person.

It's just me now.
I can do whatever I want to do.

This is simultaneously liberating and terrifying.
All my life I've had a plan. A final destination in mind.
I've strategically planned and plotted every step.
I've always known exactly what I wanted and when.

But now?

I'm just seeing where this road takes me. 

One Year Later

It's been a year since our wedding was called off. 

Well, a year and approximately 3 days.

It's been a long, hard year. 

I'd love to tell you that we've worked through our feelings and clung to Jesus and found healing and hope and we are ten times better than we were. 

But this is real life so I'm not going to. 

I don't think we've moved into a space of growth yet. We are still very much in the midst of the feelings of that event. 

We are still wading through the muck.

About a week ago, we got into a pretty ugly argument. A dumb thing just set all those feelings in motion and I just lost it. Yelled, cried, and wasn't really the best version of myself. All the frustration, anger and hurt of the past twelve months just surfaced into something ugly.

I don't like holding things in. I don't like not telling someone how I feel and hoping it will change. It bothers me to keep stuff in. I have been physically ill when I've tried to keep a secret before. It's just not me. I can't pretend and I can't fake it. 

I tried really hard to let things go (when I wasn't ready) and be understanding and patient (when I didn't get it and wanted answers) and it landed me here. I think avoiding those hard conversations and hoping things would change just allowed those hurt feelings to fester. 

That tactic doesn't ever really work. 

At least not in my experience. 

None of this means we haven't had good times or that I haven't seen glimpses of renewal and restoration in our day to day. We've definitely enjoyed some good stretches of time together and I've had days/weeks/months where it felt like maybe, just maybe we could pull out of it. But, what really has been going on is we've taken 3 steps forward and 5 steps back in a seemingly never-ending dance. 

Frankly, it's exhausting. 

I'm just tired. 

So, last week, after a blowout that I'm pretty sure woke the neighborhood followed up by two days of barely speaking, we collectively made the hard decision to take a break from each other. 

No contact for 2 weeks. No texting, no calls, no hanging out, no dating each other or anyone else. Just two weeks for us each to get our bearings, give us a chance to think and figure out if this is something worth trying for. 

We made it about 5 days before one of us broke and called the other. 

The verdict came in.

Nobody wants to give up just yet. 

Despite the current state of us in this relationship, there is a lot of love here. 

This past year we did some counseling but didn't stick with it or really engage in the things they asked us to do. When we decided it wasn't helping us and we didn't care for our counselor we stopped going. We didn't seek out our pastor or any other spiritual guidance. We didn't take a break right when it happened to give us a chance to grieve and heal. I feel like we both just clung to this life raft of ideals- who we thought we were going to be, what our life was going to be like- and continued to be rocked and occasionally submerged beneath the waves. 

We both have made a lot of assumptions about how the other person feels. Some of those assumptions led to actions, or lack thereof in most cases, that continued to dismember our relationship. 

Looking back now, I can clearly see where we went wrong in some places. 

I can also see where we have both been at fault. 

A few things this past year has taught me:

• People who have the capacity to love in a big way also have the capacity to hurt in a big way. It hurts because love exists. It doesn't make it good or bad, it just means that having big love for someone means being vulnerable enough to get hurt too. 
• Sometimes you can say you've forgiven someone but you haven't really 100%. And you might not even realize or understand it. 
• Trust is a very important and very tricky thing in a relationship. It can be there without even trying but the minute it is compromised, it takes everything you have to build it back up.
• Just like a house, you can't fix a cracked foundation with a patch and hope it stays forever. You have to jack the house up and dig up the old foundation to lay a fresh new one. You may have been certain people before but that doesn't mean you are going to exactly be those same people after.
• Just because a love story isn't easy doesn't mean it's not worth it. Don't give up unless you are sure you won't regret it. 

I don't know what will happen with T and I. 

I'd love to predict that a year from now I'll be writing a happy post about marriages and moving in together and starting a life. 

But maybe I won't. 

I hope and pray that with this new month and this new season we can learn to shed the old ways we did things, the old things we said and did, the old hurts we experienced and move on into a relationship that is fresh and new. 

I was talking with a couple of dear friends about the break and the circumstances of what happened and how I just don't get it. How I keep going over everything in my mind and I can't pinpoint what changed. We were so happy. We were so in love. How could it go so wrong?

They looked at me and said that what T and I really need is Jesus. 

We need to stop letting each other be our salvation and look to the only one that can give that to us. Only through that will we learn to be restored within ourselves. I pray that we can cling tight to that hope for restoration.

I pray that we can stop looking to each other as a life raft. 

Rather, look at each other as passengers on the same boat. 

Forget the former things, 

DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. 

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

 

P.S. 

Why share this sad story you ask?

Well, I'm not exactly sure.
I sat down to start writing for BlogHer's NaBloPoMo this month because I saw the word of the month is 'Healing' and I thought it would be fitting for current circumstances. Then I saw all the prompts were about Ferguson and I do not even want to touch that topic, so I'll just stick to what I know. This life of mine. 

Violins

You should know I cry every time I hear violins.

Like in bluegrass music when it’s that sad and lonely high pitched tone? Something about it just pulls at me. I can feel it in my heart and it hurts. Immediately when I hear that sound a lump forms in my throat and tears spring to my eyes. I wonder why that is? It’s like I’m mourning something I’ve never even known. There is a word for that. I saw it one day on Instagram or something, hiraeth.

When I researched the word online, I found this from Smith College:

The Welsh word hiraeth has no equivalent in English. It often translates as “homesickness,” but the actual concept is far more complex. It incorporates an aspect of impossibility: the pining for a home, a person, a figure, even a national history that may never have actually existed. To feel hiraeth is to experience a deep sense of incompleteness tinged with longing.

I feel like this word describes me. The inner, core of what makes me ‘me’: a deep sense of incompleteness tinged with longing. I often feel like there is something just not right and missing. Some days that longing and loss is so profound, so overwhelming. What am I mourning? What is lost?

I think this…whatever this is…makes me a loner. A wanderer.  A searcher. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel like I truly belong in one place or another. There will always be a little fraction of me that just isn’t content, a little homesick. For what, I don’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure I ever will.

I pine for a life I’ve never had, a life that I don’t even know. It’s bizarre to me how much I can FEEL it.

I had coffee with one of my oldesd friend a couple weeks ago. We've known each other since we were 11 years old. We were talking about the current status of our relationships, jobs and families. She paused and looked me right in the eye and said ‘We were going to be great, remember?’

I just stared back at her trying not to cry.

Like I was thinking, yeah- we were. What the hell happened? I remember when we were in middle school- part of the gifted and talented program, creating our own church newsletters and planning out our college years. We were going to be doctors. Or lawyers. Whatever it was, we were going to be amazing at it. Doogie Howser style- we were going to be those doctors and lawyers by age 25 having already traveled the world, got the degrees, got married and had a couple of kids.

Currently, we are both divorced (1 remarried), one with kids, one with none. In dead end jobs and struggling relationships that don’t even begin to resemble the lives we once thought we would have. Our lives aren’t terrible. Just different. Unexpected. Life happened to us in all the ways we didn’t anticipate or even want. In our early 30’s we are already much wiser and aged then we want to be. We’ve experienced more than we really ever wanted to and at the same time, have so much left to explore of this life.  

When I think about that, about the person I wanted to be? I get that same feeling I do when I hear violins. That same lump in my throat. Those same hot tears in my eyes. That same ache in my chest. A deep sense or incompleteness tinged with longing.

I don’t know what all of this means. What it means that I as I sit here writing this I’m crying. Tears running down my face. I LOVE my life. I really do. I live in the wonderful city I grew up in, I have great friends and family, an amazing community and a man I love very much. So what if my job isn’t exactly what I wanted? So what if I’m 30 years old and still living in a cheap apartment like I’m 22? So what if I don’t have a plan for the next five years? Does any of that really matter?

When I think back, I’ve always felt this way. Hiraeth.

I remember hot summer nights of my childhood when I’d stare out the window at the neighbor’s tree. It would be night and too hot to sleep and I’d lie in my bed next to that window and watch that tree. It looked like a woman with her head thrown back laughing, her hair bouncing in the wind. I’d watch that tree and the moon and wonder about what it is that was I was sad about. Why how I could be surrounded by my family, safely at home and still feel desperately that something was just missing. Gone.

I watched that tree and that woman laughing until the day I moved out of that house. I wondered why she was laughing and what it was that she knew that I didn’t.

As I’ve got older, I have learned to quiet that longing temporarily, through escape in the form of things both positive and negative. Sometimes I can fuel that longing into something creative or powerful. Sometimes I just lie on the floor of my apartment, ear pressed to rug and listen to the quiet whir of my downstairs neighbor’s dryer and try to clear my head.

When I’m outside the city, in a rural area, that longing is intensified. Something about open fields and never-ending sky makes me feel so overwhelmed by the beauty and history of it all. I become painfully aware of myself. I don’t know how to describe it except to say I feel exposed.

Maybe this entire thing makes me sound like a complete nut job. I don’t believe I’m the only person in the world that feels this way. Maybe I’m the only one saying it.

Every time I hear violins.

Year of the Bull

I got out of my morning writing routine after the #31days series was over. I got sucked back into sleeping in late, skipping workouts and rolling into work just in time. I stopped caring if I hit snooze 10 times and just slept. I got out of other routines too- eating healthy and treating my body right falling to the wayside. 

Then I had a weekend that was bittersweet. 

Saturday was shining and beautiful- a perfect, unseasonably warm day in November. I got in a long run by the lake and spent most of the time fantasizing about how perfect my wedding pictures would have been. That afternoon I picked up the dress I won’t be wearing. I tried it on just to see how it would have looked. Its hanging in the back of my closet now- preserved in plastic for some other time perhaps. We spent great time with family that we don’t get to see often. Celebrating kid birthdays and catching up on each other’s lives. I had a great weekend. Then? I had a not so great couple of days.  I let the ‘maybes’ and ‘could bes’ of the past and future overwhelm me. I got caught up in feeling crappy and not fighting it- just letting the world win.

That following Tuesday night T talked me out of it. He said, “Some days I feel like that too- like I just want to stay in my bed all day. But then I just MAKE myself get in the shower, go to work or go to the gym."

So I did that. I got up and went to the gym. Met my girls for coffee. Started checking things off my to-do list. And the next day? I felt like a whole new person.

Turning 30 this year was a milestone to me.  Mostly because when I was younger I could never envision myself at 30. I didn’t know what that looked like or what I would be doing. When I turned 30 this year, I felt like I had a vision of what my future would be. I was happily engaged, plans were in motion, and life was great. Then things changed. 

I don’t want this to sound like getting un-engaged ruined my vision, but it certainly changed. I feel like everything sort of shifted. But I have a new vision- one of a future that is true and bright and faithful. I’m writing my future in pencil (thanks Shauna Neiquist), I’m planning loosely. You know why? Because I can have the best intentioned, most perfect plans and they can change. 

Life is lot less disappointing and a lot more wonderful if you don’t bet your future on a single plan.

I spent a couple days a week ago mourning the plan I had that didn’t work out. And then I thought about how wasting another second being sad about something that is already past is just sort of dumb.

In the past month, I have been handed some incredible opportunities:

-          I got a new position at work that challenges me and gives me more experience to learn and grow.

-          I started a new business that I LOVE. I’ve found a vehicle to make my dreams come true.

-          I’ve started my very first Purpose Project and I’ve taken steps to go on my first mission trip.

-          I’ve been approached with opportunities that have led me to realize that my dreams of being a coffee shop owner are not as far out of reach as I once thought.

As for T and I? We’ve made some amazing strides. Our conversations are more honest and open then any I’ve had with anyone ever. This thing we went through has bound us together closer than either one of us realized or expected. I don’t want to call it a ‘blessing in disguise’ but it certainly has been a seemingly negative experience that has produced some wonderful results.

That Saturday, before I went to pick up the dress- I made a tattoo appointment. I had been contemplating something for my 30^th birthday but just hadn’t gotten around to it. Instead of thinking about it anymore, I walked right into the shop and made the appointment.

I already knew what I was going to get.

This bull represents me. 

The me that was – stubborn and angry, wild and untamed, and the me that is – steadfast and strong. Also? I thought of the biblical meaning- how bulls were often sacrificed in the Old Testament. I like the idea of being reminded of how the old me was sacrificed to become something better- something unyielding and brave. I like the idea that these first 30 years of my life were just preparation for the next phase.

Here’s to the year of the bull. 

Lessons (14/31)

Recently, I finished the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.

Disclaimer: I LOVED this book. Loved it. Loved it like:I finished it and I just want to start reading it again. Loved it like:I don’t want to loan it out because it’s that precious to me. So just be prepared for a lot of posts with stuff from Shauna because the parallels in how we think are terrifyingly similar.

In the chapter entitled ‘Phoenix’, Shauna shares this:

My friend Steve says that God doesn’t speak to everyone the same way, but that he generally speaks the same way over and over again to each person.

And then:

You can learn it the first time, or you’ll find that same situation or same kind of person or same opportunity starting you in the face over and over again.

I’m starting to realize this is true about me. Mostly, I’ve been living a same scenario over and over because I didn’t ask God for clarity. In the past, I have not prayed. I have not reached out in faith and trust to Jesus for help. My entire life I have created situations and made decisions out of MY own doing. I’ve forged and fought for relationships thinking that I was entirely alone in my quest to make them work. When they ultimately fail, I remained in the thought pattern that I was just doomed-  maybe always prone to just sort of shitty circumstances.

I had an epiphany recently.

I have realized how often I acquiesce to the needs of someone else. I have realized how often I don’t fight for myself and allow circumstances to just sort of happen to me. I have thought I have been being agreeable and loving and doing what Jesus would have done. I have thought that I was better than some people because I was so forgiving. But there is a difference between being grace-filled and being used. I don’t really want to use that word ‘used’ as it has such a strong negative connotation – maybe a little too strong. What is a word for being unconsciously put on the back-burner by yourself and others? That is the word I’m looking for.

I don’t like this epiphany. I don’t like the hard decisions I’m required to make. I’d prefer to not know better and remain in situations that seem easier. Making grown-up decisions bout your life is really hard. Especially when so many facets of situations are seemingly good.

For instance, I really love cheese. I like aged cheeses and blue cheeses and soft cheeses like brie and sheep’s milk. But cheese is not that great for me. It’s enjoyable when I have it, but the aftermath of how I feel once I eat cheese is not good. Often, I will eat cheese knowing full-well what the repercussions will be. Because I really love cheese that much. But if I’m being honest with myself? Cheese is not good for me. It may taste good and make a meal more satisfying but ultimately it does not agree with me. The results are not positive.

No matter how much I love cheese, it’s just not going to give me what I need to be the healthiest happiest version of me.

That may be a cheesy analogy (pun intended), but I think it gets the point across that something that  seems so great could not end up that way in the end.

Another thing? Pride.

Man, I didn’t realize what a prideful person I am. I have always considered myself pretty humble in most areas of my life. I’m encouraging to others and like helping them succeed. I don’t do things for accolades or praise. But when it comes to personal matters of the heart? I have prided myself on relationships. I have liked being able to say that even though some of my relationships were seemingly doomed, they came out of the darkest hours into the light. Love wins. I don’t like admitting that I failed at something. I don’t like feeling like no matter how much love I’ve poured into something or someone, it’s possible that it’s not enough to make it work.

What happens when you can have all the love in the world but you are going two different directions? How do you reconcile that in your heart and your head? What happens when your heart is going two different directions? How do you have discernment?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I’m at in life and where I want to be growing and expanding as a person and a child of God. I’ve been praying about it and asking friends and family to pray for me as well. The results have not been what I’ve expected. It’s interesting how you can pray for something with an answer in mind and then God reveals his truth to you and it is not anything you expected but an answer nonetheless.

I think I’ve finally realized some things about myself I’ve been trying to avoid. So here are a few things I’ve learned in the past couple of months:

1. Compromise is one thing. Giving in completely is a whole other thing.
2. It’s okay to say you feel a certain way and stick to it. It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t agree and this [insert thing here] is really important to me.’
3. It’s okay to make the same mistake over and over again. God’s not going to stop showing you. Like Shauna said- you’ll either learn it or keep doing it over and over again until you do.
4. Sometimes dreams end. Not because you didn’t give it all you had or because you didn’t pour your heart and soul into them, but just because they weren’t right.
5. Making grown up decisions for yourself sucks. It sucks bad. Deal with it.
6. You will walk through trials in this life. Maybe over and over. But you are not alone. Jesus is ALWAYS with you. ALWAYS.
7. Having people you can rely on is so important. Find out who will be honest and tell you the truth and listen to them. People that really know and love you will tell you the hard things.
8. Growing is painful. It’s going to hurt more than you ever though it could. The bigger the pain, the bigger the growth.
9. There is a reason for everything. It may seem unclear and you may wonder how you will come out of a situation, but don’t worry. The lesson always reveals itself.
10. There is an old saying, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you.’ Deep in my heart, I hope and pray and want to believe this is true. 

I won’t stop believing this until I’m proved wrong. 

My Story (12/31)

Last night my mom came over to see my new place and catch up on life happenings. She mentioned that she doesn’t understand how people share their lives and personal information on social media.

Um…you know I write a blog, right Mom?

Anyway, it got me thinking about how we share our lives on social media and why we do it. For some people, social media is sort of foreign. They don’t have a Facebook or Instagram account and they don’t understand why someone would share their lives in a public forum. For some people, sharing on social media is purely for family. They post pictures of their kids or write a blog to keep their relatives up to date on what is going on in their lives. For some people, social media is a way to connect with others. They use the various platforms to engage with other people who share their same interest.

My reasons for using social media are mixed. I like being able to share life happenings with my family and friends. I also like to connect and engage with people who are interested in the things I’m into. I was sort of late to get on the Facebook wagon- not joining until 2008 or so. Even then, I didn’t really understand the point. It sort of seemed like a place for people to do a lot of complaining or to snoop on their exes (still is, by the way).

Then I started reading blogs, mostly fitness and food blogs when I was searching for recipes or training plans. Then I was hooked. Then Instagram came about and it was all over. I’m a junkie for pictures!

What is it about social media that draws people in? Why do we put ourselves out on the internet for public consumption?

 I think we all have a story to tell. Each and every man, woman and child on this planet has something to say about life. Our journeys are different and unique just as much as they are similar and mundane.

I share quite a bit about my life on the internet. I’ve talked openly about my struggles with food, God and relationships. I don’t shy away from writing about something just because it seems personal. If I’m going to share my life on the internet, why wouldn’t I share my REAL life? Of course there is a time and a place for fluff information and I like to share that too, but people don’t connect on the internet because you have pretty graphics or because you only talk about how perfect your life is.

People connect on social media because they see their story reflected in yours. We all want to feel like we are not alone in this world and we can find comfort in our circumstances when we see that there are other people experiencing the same heartbreaks and failures. We can also celebrate the joy and abundance this life has to offer when we experience the same happiness and successes.

I could write everyday about how to train for a race or how to cook healthy meals or how to decorate your house or style with your existing closet. And that would be great. And you would read it and maybe like it and maybe learn something. But eventually I think you’d get tired of it. You’d start to wonder if all I am was just some girl who runs and eats vegetables and owns too many clothes. The human element would be missing.

I think when I share about my life, my real life, I’m offering up a chance for you to share your story too. I’m giving you an opportunity to read my post and nod your head, thinking ‘yeah I’ve been there. Glad I’m not the only one.’ 

We are all in this life together. And you can fight it if you want to. You can keep yourself locked away and work through your failures all alone and maybe come out stronger. You can experience great joy and share with your family and friends in real life (which you should). But when you share it publicly? When you engage people through the internet, united in our successes and failures? That is a whole different kind of community. You may meet people you never would have had the opportunity to otherwise. You may connect with someone who becomes your best friend, confidante or even spouse. You may find that your story is a voice not only to you, but to so many across the world that need to hear hope or feel comfort. You may find that sharing your story brings others closer to Jesus, closer to forgiveness, closer to loving themselves more.

I’m not always going to share all the details of my life here. I don’t, actually. The situation between T and I is our own and sometimes that is all who need to be included. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to share about what I’m learning about love and relationships and forgiveness and being true to myself. 

Because that is MY story.  

Restless

There is this song we sing at church. It’s John Mark McMillan.

‘My heart turns violently inside of my chest.’

It is my favorite worship song. Something about the imagery in the lyrics, the way God is reaching out to so desperately that you can feel his heart wrench.

That’s how I’ve felt in church lately.

For the past few weeks in a row, something we’ve talked about or some experience we’ve had has just hit me to my core. I’ve teared up and cried, makeup streaming down my face. I’ve gone down to the front of the church and sang with my hand raised.

I am NOT that person. In fact, doing anything besides standing there when we are singing is not something I’ve ever done. I don’t always wear my emotions on my sleeve (some might say otherwise).

But I have been completely overwhelmed by Jesus lately.  I’m not even sure WHAT about Jesus has been overwhelming.  The community I’ve found at this church or the message itself. I don’t even know if this makes sense.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be gleaning from these feelings but I do know that God is trying to tell me something.

I’ve never been so restless in my life. I realize that in 3 months I’m getting married and moving in with my husband – so that’s a big deal. (And a whole other topic.)

But this is different. I’ve been feeling an overwhelming need to go/do/seek…something.

Just last week I was feeling so exasperated by this heartache I actually prayed out loud.

‘What do you want? What are you trying to tell me?’

There is a restless stirring in my soul that something big is looming on the horizon.

I don’t know when and I don’t know what it is but I know something is coming.

In a recent sermon, our worship pastor used this Henry Drummond quote I just can’t get out of my mind:

‘When God speaks, he speaks so loudly that all the other voices of the world seem dumb.

And yet, when God speaks, he speaks so softly that no one hears the whisper but yourself.’

I recently had some disappointment at work.

I found this job that seemed like a perfect fit - an opportunity to use my professional skills as well as work closely with people. I interviewed 5 separate times. After each interview, I was SURE I had the job. I had good rapport with all the people I’d be working with and it just felt right. I was just positive this position was the shake-up I needed to infuse some energy and life back into my work life.

Then I got a call that started with, ‘Nicole, I’m sure this is not what you wanted to hear.’

I was bummed. I thought for sure I was ‘in’ and had already been formulating questions for my predecessor and assessing goals for myself in the first year.  (FYI- ‘Achiever’ is in my strengthfinders top 5. If it wasn’t obvious.)

But as I hung up the phone, I realized I really wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. I felt like deep down I knew it was coming.  I was surprised at how disappointed I really wasn’t.

There were 3 things that happened within the time I got the phone call to five minutes after I hung up that stood out to me:

1.      The hiring manager said something sort of strange. As we were talking through the position and the reasons I was not the final candidate, she said to me, ‘Nicole, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know there is a job out there that you will be great at and will challenge you in the ways you need.’ I felt like it was a really spiritual thing for someone to say in a professional environment. And as she was saying it, I found myself nodding and agreeing with her, appreciating her candor. That yes there is something out there for me. I would have loved to work for her (she is an amazing manager), but maybe this particular job just wasn’t meant for me.  

2.      After I got off the phone, I told my co-worker about the conversation and she looked right at me and said, ‘Nicole, you are great at what you do, but I just picture you doing something different …maybe something with community or to do with food. You have so many passions that just aren’t here.’ She and I have had many a conversations about ‘if we could do whatever we wanted, what would we do?’ She knows what would get me out of bed happily every morning.

3.      While having this conversation with my teammate, my other co-worker and friend had been emailing to see what happened with the job. I filled her in with a brief response and she said, ‘Maybe it’s time to do something else. You could do great here, but you won’t thrive.’

'Thrive' is one of my daily reminders

If those aren’t signs…I’m not sure what is?

So what do I do now?

I’m not exactly sure. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. This isn’t really the best timing for a major career overhaul considering I have some big life events happening very soon (you know- like that wedding and husband living and stuff I mentioned earlier) not to mention that starting a career from scratch doesn’t come inexpensively or easily.

We had a guest pastor a few weeks ago and he said one way to gauge your spiritual life is ‘Irresponsible Responsibility.’ Sometimes God asks us to do things that may look incredibly crazy, but in the long run they make the most sense.

Like Henry Drummond- I feel like God is practically shouting at me to ‘Do something! Stop what you are doing right now and just go CHANGE THE WORLD!’ and honestly, I have to fight the urge to just put in my 2 weeks and see what happens. Which is a terrible idea by the way and I won’t be doing that.

In the same vein, I feel like God is softly nudging me. He’s teaching me a huge lesson right now.

Patience.

Faith.

Obedience.

Things I’m not really good at. Things I purposely avoid because I like to live life on my terms.

My attitude until recently...

Instead of taking control and creating my own terms, I'm trying to let go a little. 

I’m not running. I’m not making rash decisions. I’m holding steady.

I’m praying. A lot. Like every day. Multiple times a day. (A new discipline for me)

I’m focusing on the day to day. I’m focusing on work and how I can be the best I can be at the position I’m in. How I can be of use right where I am.

I’m also not ignoring His call.

I’m researching and looking and formulating how I can make my life look like what I feel in my soul is how it should be.

It seems all my posts lately are about this sort of life turmoil. (Sorry- I'm sort of sick of talking about it too!)

But like I said before, I’m going to keep saying my dreams out loud. 

I hardly ever ask for anything from you, dear readers.

But…

This Friday I’m heading to a leadership retreat with my church.

It’s like adult camp- hikes and kayaks and campfires. I’m stoked!

I’m also really glad to be spending the weekend with some amazing people and getting the opportunity to glean whatever spiritual wisdom I can.

I’m also a little nervous about what this intense spiritual time will mean for me.

So I have a favor to ask.

Would you pray for me this weekend?

Pray that I get some clarity around what God is asking for me.

Pray that I get some peace in my heart about the future holds.

Pray that I can hold steadfast- patiently and obediently waiting for the next step.

Pray that when that time comes, I can have the courage to take a leap of faith.

Thanks people.

And next week- I promise something more uplifting- I've been cooking up a storm and have some goodies to share. 

Have a great weekend. 

Go Out and Get Busy

It's ironic that it's taken me so long to write this post about fear and writing ability.
I've been rolling these words around in my head and my heart for weeks.
But something always holds me back from putting my fingers to the keyboard.
Am I scared of success?
Afraid if I really try I won't be any good?

I had coffee with some friends last week, creative types, and we all agreed that we somehow tend to procrastinate when it comes to our passion. We will find 10,000 other things to do besides just sitting down and doing the thing we claim to love.

I find myself doing idle cleaning, straightening or unnecessary email categorizing all before I sit down and write. I put all the 'busy' tasks in front of my craft.

I get a daily writing prompt from The Write Practice. It's a 15-20 minute exercise to improve my writing skills. I signed up at the beginning of the year thinking this would be a way for me to focus more on my writing and expand my skills. Often, I just filter those emails into a folder with the intent of catching up...someday.

Sometimes the prompt doesn't speak to me, but other times it seems it was written specifically for me. A couple of weeks ago, I received a prompt titled 'Why You're Not There Yet, and Why That's Alright,' The author, Kellen Gorbett, had this to say:

A recent trend has become common among writing teachers and writing bloggers and within writing circles that we are writers simply because we choose to write. If you hold a pen in your hand or a keyboard at your desk, you are a writer. While this ideology has proven valuable for creating the identity of a writer, it has also performed a disservice to other professions.

For a commercial airliner to even consider hiring you as a pilot, you’ll need to have logged approximately 3,000 hours of total flight time, including at least 1,500 hours in a multi-jet engine, and at least 1,000 hours as pilot in command of a turbine powered aircraft. These are just the minimum requirements, and anyone that’s ever been up in a single engine plane will tell you that an hour in the air takes much more effort (and money) than an hour at the keyboard.

Consider doctors. After undergraduate school for pre-medicine, there’s the Medical College Admissions Test, then four years of medical school, then 3-5 years of residency. In Malcolm Gladwell’s best-selling book, Outliers, he suggests the key to success in any field is a matter of practicing a specific task for a total of 10,000 hours. Bill Gates spent 10,000 hours programming before graduating high school. The Beatles performed live 1,200 times from 1960-1964 before making it.

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t logged anywhere near that many hours of writing yet. So why do I expect to write like a professional?

Exactly.

I barely write for more than a couple hours a week. Often, the only writing I do is journaling. Or work procedures. Or grocery lists. 

That hardly counts as 'professional.'

I've made it a life goal to someday be a professional writer. To freelance as a career. 

I'm not sure what that really entails except that I want to share my words freely. I want people to come to me and say 'Would you write a piece about {insert subject here} for my blog/newspaper/book/etc?'

I want to have an impact in some way.

To do that is going to take practice and hard work. 

A lot of it.

So why do I constantly self-sabotage?

What is it about actually chasing dreams that is so scary?

Why do we put off the things we most care about and fill the void with stuff that is absolutely meaningless?

Peter Bregman wrote this article** for Harvard Business Review about two lists you should look at every morning.

1- Priorities. The focus list- full of all the things that you are trying to achieve. The things that make you happy.

2- Fluff. The ignore list- stuff that is a time filler but does nothing to help you achieve your goals. 

I've linked to this article multiple times and shared it in my Sunday 7 multiple times. 

However, I constantly choose NOT to heed his advice. 

I've actually added creating these lists to a list of to-dos. 

It's obvious I have a problem with priorities. 

So this morning, at 6 AM, I sat down and made a list. And guess what. It wasn't that hard: 

PRIORITIES

·        People (spouse, family, friends, community)

·        Health (physical- exercise/eating healthy/sleep, mental- me time, spiritual- God: front and center)

·        Work (when at work- do work)

·        WRITING

Look at how easy that was?

The 'Ignore' list was also a no-brainer:

·        TV (netflix marathons anyone?)

·        Social Media (yeah I can cut back)

·        Unnecessary emails (one word: UNSUBSCRIBE)

·        Over Scheduling (empty calendar time is okay)

·        Spending (easiest time waster of all)

·        ‘BUSY’ Tasks (stuff that no one cares about but I somehow make a priority- ie. Reorganizing shelves for fun)

I'm making myself a promise- here and now- to put the things that I matter at the front. 

To take action with my goals and quit waiting for things to happen. 

To quit being scared of my potential. 

To quit wasting time with stuff that doesn't provide a benefit towards achieving the life I want to live.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~Dale Carnegie

**Thanks to my good friend Erin for sharing this most important article with me.