10.28.2014

One Month

It's been a month since I broke up with T.
I had a realization after the last break that nothing was really going to change for us.
It had been a year since the wedding/engagement was called off and I realized I couldn't see a future for us anymore.

So I made the decision to call it.

I know it was the right decision and I made it for the right reasons.
BUT, that doesn't mean it was any easier.
I've been unpleasantly surprised by how much it still hurt. And how angry I've been.

I'll be honest.
I haven't been the best version of myself this entire month.
Sitting home alone late at night is the hardest. Too much time on my hands to think.

Luckily though, I have some really amazing friends and family that have kept me busy.
I've been going out with friends and enjoying being free to make all my own decisions.
I've been meeting new people and trying new things and just giving myself some space to figure out the life I want to lead.

I want to say that I'm not feeling a little hardened by this experience.
But I can't.
A couple weeks ago I spent an entire Sunday in bed feeling sad and angry.
I spent a year trying to be patient, gracious and understanding.
And I feel like I got shit on.

I've felt a little lost.
A little off kilter.
Like I'm just not quite sure what my next move is.
Its hard to wrap your head around how many decisions you were holding off on making or not making due to another person's presence in your life.

I'm a girl with all the feelings.
I can't help it.
I really do love people and if I care about you, I'll be there for you no matter what.
So like I've said before- having big love for people means having big vulnerability.

Life can be sort of fucked up. I'm trying not to get too jaded about it.

Because life can be sort of awesome too.

People can constantly surprise you and everyday is a new opportunity to be the person you want to be.

I know who I am.
I know what I want for my life.
I know that when I'm doing the things that I love and the being the person I'm intended to be- I attract the right people to my life.

Here is to new adventures.