Year of the Bull

I got out of my morning writing routine after the #31days series was over. I got sucked back into sleeping in late, skipping workouts and rolling into work just in time. I stopped caring if I hit snooze 10 times and just slept. I got out of other routines too- eating healthy and treating my body right falling to the wayside. 

Then I had a weekend that was bittersweet. 

Saturday was shining and beautiful- a perfect, unseasonably warm day in November. I got in a long run by the lake and spent most of the time fantasizing about how perfect my wedding pictures would have been. That afternoon I picked up the dress I won’t be wearing. I tried it on just to see how it would have looked. Its hanging in the back of my closet now- preserved in plastic for some other time perhaps. We spent great time with family that we don’t get to see often. Celebrating kid birthdays and catching up on each other’s lives. I had a great weekend. Then? I had a not so great couple of days.  I let the ‘maybes’ and ‘could bes’ of the past and future overwhelm me. I got caught up in feeling crappy and not fighting it- just letting the world win.

That following Tuesday night T talked me out of it. He said, “Some days I feel like that too- like I just want to stay in my bed all day. But then I just MAKE myself get in the shower, go to work or go to the gym."

So I did that. I got up and went to the gym. Met my girls for coffee. Started checking things off my to-do list. And the next day? I felt like a whole new person.

Turning 30 this year was a milestone to me.  Mostly because when I was younger I could never envision myself at 30. I didn’t know what that looked like or what I would be doing. When I turned 30 this year, I felt like I had a vision of what my future would be. I was happily engaged, plans were in motion, and life was great. Then things changed. 

I don’t want this to sound like getting un-engaged ruined my vision, but it certainly changed. I feel like everything sort of shifted. But I have a new vision- one of a future that is true and bright and faithful. I’m writing my future in pencil (thanks Shauna Neiquist), I’m planning loosely. You know why? Because I can have the best intentioned, most perfect plans and they can change. 

Life is lot less disappointing and a lot more wonderful if you don’t bet your future on a single plan.

I spent a couple days a week ago mourning the plan I had that didn’t work out. And then I thought about how wasting another second being sad about something that is already past is just sort of dumb.

In the past month, I have been handed some incredible opportunities:

-          I got a new position at work that challenges me and gives me more experience to learn and grow.

-          I started a new business that I LOVE. I’ve found a vehicle to make my dreams come true.

-          I’ve started my very first Purpose Project and I’ve taken steps to go on my first mission trip.

-          I’ve been approached with opportunities that have led me to realize that my dreams of being a coffee shop owner are not as far out of reach as I once thought.

As for T and I? We’ve made some amazing strides. Our conversations are more honest and open then any I’ve had with anyone ever. This thing we went through has bound us together closer than either one of us realized or expected. I don’t want to call it a ‘blessing in disguise’ but it certainly has been a seemingly negative experience that has produced some wonderful results.

That Saturday, before I went to pick up the dress- I made a tattoo appointment. I had been contemplating something for my 30^th birthday but just hadn’t gotten around to it. Instead of thinking about it anymore, I walked right into the shop and made the appointment.

I already knew what I was going to get.

This bull represents me. 

The me that was – stubborn and angry, wild and untamed, and the me that is – steadfast and strong. Also? I thought of the biblical meaning- how bulls were often sacrificed in the Old Testament. I like the idea of being reminded of how the old me was sacrificed to become something better- something unyielding and brave. I like the idea that these first 30 years of my life were just preparation for the next phase.

Here’s to the year of the bull. 

MAY!!

I felt like this month's recap needed a big title because it was so crazy and busy and fun and beautiful and life-changing....but I couldn't think of anything creative.

So I just went ALL CAPS.
So you know I'm serious.

- Spend time in the word and prayer more.
I kept up with #shereadstruth in May, but I definitely missed a lot of church and small group due to all the out of town trips and races. And also just being exhausted from said trips and races. I realized how important that community is to my spirit. I need to be around people who share my beliefs and remind me of the life I'm called to live- one of service and love to Jesus and my fellow people.

- Stop Overcommitting
I ordered a sweet new planner that I'm absolutely in love with. It feels good to get my calendar back in order. I'm working on being more intentional with my time, but May was NOT the month for that. There was SO MUCH crammed into a short time that I feel like I barely remember it all. Not exactly how I want my summer to go. I'm looking forward to hazy Sunday afternoon bike rides, afternoons at the beach and lots of time relishing in the sunshine with family and friends.

- Get Simple (Fashion & Spending Fast)
Even though I purchased a few things on my out of town trips, I'm going to give this goal a thumbs up. I had planned for spending money in Cincinatti and Colorado so I didn't charge a bunch of stuff. I bought 3 running items at the expo in Cinci which I traded out for old items. In CO, I bought a few brewery t-shirts- which were also exchanged in the rotation with some old concert t's. Normally on an out of town trip, I would hit up an outlet and blow too much money. I tried to be intentional about spending and even ate up all my groceries before going out of town so I wouldn't waste food. I'm not 100% on this goal yet, but I'm definitely on my way.

- Eat (mostly) vegan
The first half of the month was not that great. And I felt it. I was lethargic, tired, puffy and just blah. Before we went to CO, I ate so many dang veggies and decided to start tracking my food again to get back on track. I'm happy to say that by the end of the month, I was back to eating really good whole foods, including green juice daily.

- Give priorities priority (more family, regular volunteering, scheduled writing sessions)
I was out of town a lot in May. But when I was here, I got to spend a ton of time with my family and friends. I wasn't able to volunteer as much as I liked, but it was a busy month. I am trying to have one night a week where I spend doing blog things, but other than that- I'm writing a little every day. But as you can tell from the lack of blog posts...writing here hasn't been happening as much.

-Rest in the big picture.
I spent a LOT of time in May thinking about the big picture. And where I want my life to go. If you missed any of those philosophical ramblings...check them out here and here.

My only goal for May was to ENJOY.
I ran 3 races ( A PR AND a 2nd place group finish!) and took 2 out of town trips...one that brought me back another year older.
It was one heck of a month and I relished every. single. minute. of it.
Even though I SAID I wasn't going to hold myself to many goals...that's just not possible. ACHIEVER is number 3 on my strengthfinders people. It's like a genetic trait, I can't avoid it.

And with birthdays, I always take stock on where my life is headed. And this milestone birthday? Yeah it was definitely one that made me rethink my assumptions about the rules are about work and life. And guess what?

There aren't any.

Seize the day!

Here's a little bit of my May in pictures. Enjoy!

Remember when it snowed in May? yeah I sort of forgot too. 

I spent the night in the Chicago airport. That was fun. 

I got to hang out with my friend Kimberly in Cinci!

Where I ran my fastest 1/2 marathon yet!

We had so much fun running the Flying Pig. 

Plus the metals are pretty cool.

I ran my first relay race with my running buddies!

And...we won 2nd place in our division!! It was awesome. 

And right after the race- my family and friends surprised me with a 30th birthday party...complete with all my favorite candy from my childhood days. Candy cigs & Zotz!

My mom made this amazing montage of pictures from the last 30 years and stuff that came out the year I was born: Hooters and Reading Rainbow....Hmmm.

I got to celebrate my 30th birthday in the biggest way- seeing my favorite band at Red Rocks with my favorite guy and his brother (from another mother)!

We went on a bike and beer tour

Colorado has awesome craft brews!

Also- the mountains. So dang pretty. 

My first MLB game! Go Rockies!

Did I mention the mountains?

Running with the other Nicole in the highest elevation municipality in the US!

Sunshine. And mountains. No filter here. 

And MOUNTAINS. Sky for days. It was really just beautiful the entire time. 

Then we came back to reality. And this girl was happy. 

And I was happy to get this too. Nice kick off to 30. 

I did a 20 days of 20 minutes of yoga challenge. It was so good. 

And I got back to my beloved farmers market. Yaaa for local foods!

And of course, shenanigans with this guy always. 

Man, that was maybe my favorite month of all time.
Except maybe that one epic weekend...It's a toss up.

This is a good life. :)

What have you been up to??

New Plans for a New Decade

I feel like I sort of left you hanging after my last post.

Sorry ‘bout that.

I just have a lot going on in my head. I have so many thoughts, in fact, that I’m overwhelmed at where to start.

So instead of procrastinating any longer I’m just going to get them out there and try to organize from there. Sound good?

First of all, I had an AH-MAZING time in Colorado. It was just what I needed. What my soul needed. What T and I needed. We spent so much quality time together without work, without deadlines and just doing what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. We laughed and talked about nothing and everything and just ‘were.’ It really couldn’t have come at a better time.

For 5 full days I was really content. I was eager to get up in the morning and get outside and get exercise and fresh air and then spend my days exploring and enjoying the sunshine. Every night we didn't come back to the hotel until it was bedtime. Then I would lie down and drift off to sleep easily.   

I slept fantastically the entire trip.

Which made coming back so. Much. harder.

The day after we returned, I was at work a total of 20 minutes before I felt that happy light feeling I had dissipate. I felt the heaviness of corporate world demands seep over me like a dark cloud: deadlines and boring emails and demanding people and did I mention boring emails?

What is it about the day after vacation that just feels like it’s sucking your soul dry?

I've worked full time in a corporate setting for almost 12 years. I’m at a spot now where I have a pretty flexible schedule, however, the demands of my job can change quickly. There are very few mundane tasks at my job- most everything requires critical thinking and systematic focus. Most days are filled with meetings and conference calls amid the regular work. It’s a typical corporate job.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m super grateful for all the blessings I've received through having a great paying job and for all the opportunities it’s afforded me. I have always enjoyed the fast pace and variety of tasks that a changing environment can bring. I have great co-workers and have made some lifelong friends through my job.

But 10 years from now?  

I think I want to be doing something different.

Something sort of big-time-dream-not-even-sure-if-I-can-pull-this-off type of different

Last year, at the Influence Conference, Anne Bogel mentioned the 30’s as a time do the ‘editing’ part of your life. The weeding out of parts that just don’t work anymore. The rearranging and polishing of the parts that do. A time for planting positive additions.

I’ve made so many positive changes in the past few years physically, emotionally, spiritually, but career is an area of my life that could use a little more editing that I have given it in the past.

The point is this: I have always wanted to be a writer and own a coffee shop.

I have journals from age 9 talking about how I want be a writer someday. I have a Rubbermaid full of journals and old essays and short stories. I was that kid in 2^nd grade who wrote stories so long on that special lined paper they had to be hung at ceiling level to display properly.

I call myself a writer now- but I’ve never had anything published. I’ve never even tried. I don’t write every day and I don’t read every day. I call this my craft and something I love, but I don’t always give it the attention it deserves. Often, it gets put on the back burner for some other mundane or not needed task or distraction (thanks Internet & Netflix). I’m not sure if that is out of procrastination, fear or both.

I do know this- if you want to get good at something – you have to practice.

You have to try and try and try again.

You have to mess up and start over.

You have to ask for feedback and put yourself out there and accept rejection.

You have to give it a real shot.

You have to say your dreams out loud.

And when you do, they become real.

And it’s going to be scary.

And there is a real possibility that you can fail.

But, you don’t ever want to look back on your life and say ‘What if?’.

To me, a perfect day looks like an early morning run followed up by serving coffee and locally-sourced breakfast to my family and neighbors with love and smiles and conversation as they go about starting their day. Late mornings filled with baking and planning and connecting and community. Afternooons spent writing, reading, gardening, volunteering and cooking. Evenings relaxing at home or watching live music and enjoying local craft brews.

Ahhh. Sounds sort of perfect, right?

I don’t know if that is feasible, but I do have a vision for what I want my life to look like.

And in my head, that vision looks like love and community and words and coffee.

I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, or if it will end up being my exact vision but today?

Today, I’m taking a step.

I’m saying my dreams out loud.

When I started this blog 2 years ago, I wanted to share my thoughts about life and love and the journey we are all on to find that sweet spot of balance in all areas of our being. It’s funny how this little spot on the internet has grown me in ways I didn’t expect. I never thought 2 years ago that I would quit calling my dreams ‘pipe dreams’ or ‘perfect scenarios’ and just start doing. That through reading about other people’s success at attempting their dreams I’d get the courage to bring my dreams to life too.

Since I love a good list and need some kind of plan to make this thing become a reality, I’ve given myself a couple goals to complete this year:

1. Get a barista job (part-time). If I’m going to serve coffee, I better learn all about it right? Also, the extra money can’t hurt.
2. Edit my NaNoWriMo novel and submit it for publishing. Remember last year when I wrote a book? Yeah I’m not sure how I did that in a month either.
3. Write EVERY DAY. Journal, blog, 15 minute write practice- whatever I have time for. Just do it.
4. Find and read 3 books on starting a small business and writing a business plan. This is the boring part of being an entrepreneur- paperwork! But it needs to be done and without being realistic I’m not giving my dream a fair shot.
5. Talk about it. When someone asks what I do, tell them, but also tell them about what I am going to be doing. Something isn’t real and feasible unless you are talking about it and sharing it with others.

I’ve been working on these thoughts for a few days and was sort of wary about sharing them here on the blog. It’s one thing to tell your spouse, your friends, your co-workers about your dream. But to share it with the world? 

I know the minute I share here I’m going to get feedback. Loads of encouragement and love and ‘you can do this!’ type stuff. Which is awesome and amazing and I love those people. 

I’ll also probably get one or two people take me aside and tell me to ‘be realistic’ and ‘think about my future' and all kinds of other dream-crushing type things. 

And to those people I say….

YOLO. 

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. 

-Thoreau

What I've Been Up to Lately: April Recap

I fell off the grid there for awhile.
After I gave up social media for two weeks I'm having a harder time getting back on.
I really liked the quiet.

So instead of some lengthy post about all my April goals met and those not met....I'll give you a high level recap and lots of pictures. :)

- Spend time in the word and prayer more
By far, this has been the easiest thing this year. I love starting my day with She Reads Truth and April was no exception. BTW, if you haven't yet joined- you should. The Hosea devotional is sorta blowing my mind. I'm loving this as part of my spring morning routine.

- Stop Overcommitting.
I have a problem. It is not solved. I honestly can't wait for the 'stress' part of the 7 experiment. I think this part of my life is getting MAJOR overhaul soon.

- Get Simple (fashion and spending fast)
I have not bought any more clothes. In fact, I got rid of MORE stuff. But I haven't been good about spending. I have trips and things coming up so some money has been spent there that normally would not be.  And I bought a couple things at the Flying Pig Expo- but all on sale and very minimal!

- Eat (mostly) vegan
Epic fail in April. So. much. dairy. It also reared it's ugly head on me this weekend and I took stock on how my overdoing it (see 'stop overcommitting') ties in directly with my stress and sugar/cheese level. Backed off a little. I cannot stress to you how much better I feel without dairy. Will I ever learn? Dang cheese.

Loving healthy salads in a jar

So good. And so. bad. 

- Give priorities priority (more family, regular volunteering, scheduled writing sessions)
I am loving not working all the time with taxes. I got to spend a whole day with my nieces and meet my grandparents for dinner. I have been volunteering at the shelter at least once a week and it really does make my heart happy. As for scheduled writing sessions....well I had some friend and family time to make up, but expect more of those in May. After all, it is my birthday month!

- Rest in the big picture
I really should read my goals more than 2x a month. Because I forget this one. A lot. Some days I feel so connected to God and what His plan is and how I fit in and how T and I fit in. Other days- it is the farthest thing from my mind. I'm going to try and start journaling 10 minutes a day again (last year goal!) because I feel like it really made me focus on what is happening in my day and organize my thoughts. This year is one of so much change and growth and I don't want to miss the forest for the trees.

April Goals:
#imoversugar- Eh. Definite work to do. May is a new month.
Finish War & Peace- DONE!! Review to come!
Blanket- Uh...sorry baby Gwen. Hopefully it will stay springy and you won't need this till fall?
RELAX: #restisbest- I did get some resting in. And it was glorious. I'm looking forward to a summer full of rest!

Lots of 1sts this month:

1st Track Workout

1st Patio Dinner this season

1st Bike Ride

1st run in Shorts!

1st Iced Coffee of the Spring

Other April happenings:

It's fun getting your hairs did when you can drink wine.

Salon Hair is always the best

It was still cold enough for a stocking cap most days

My women's work group took a tour of a local farm to learn about CSA's. So cool!

Girls night!

Boston Memorial Run with my Saturday girls

Drake Relays Race!

Patio Happy Hours with this guys

Some silly dog has allergies and needed a vet appointment

Dinner to send off one of our running gals!

We will miss you Deena!

Silly Shenanigans with this guy

My goals for May are super simple:

ENJOY.

I turn 30 this month and I run 3 different races and take 2 out of town trips. I just want to have fun and remember every second of my last days in my 20's and my first in my 30's. 

This is my anthem. Expect to hear more of this. 

What have you been up to?

What's your anthem these days?