I don’t really want to reflect on this past year.
I don’t really want to come up with my ‘one word’ or ‘goal’
or ‘resolution.’
When I think about the expectations I had for 2013 and how
it ended, I don’t feel inspired or driven. I feel…disappointed.
My therapist said ‘Expectations are just disappointments
waiting to happen.’ Or something like that. I think she’s right. I went into
2013 so full of hopes and dreams and goals and plans of my own doing. When
December 31st rolled around, I sure didn’t expect it to be this way.
I know everyone else is writing about coming into the year
so full of energy and spunk and ALIVENESS.
But I’m coming in cautious.
I am still thinking of what specific personal goals I want to
accomplish this year with my health- spiritual and physical, relationships,
hobbies, finances and business. But mostly?
I just want to be better.
I want to be a better listener. To God. To myself. To T. To
friends. I want to actually HEAR what is being said to me and not just dismiss
what I feel doesn’t apply to me or what I don’t want to believe.
I want to be a better reader. I used to read passionately.
Everything. Now I read mostly dumb articles off Facebook. I want to read books
and learn things.
I want to be a better caretaker. For the most part, I take a
good job of myself. But recently I just stopped caring and I can feel it. I don’t
want to be that person that doesn’t care about themselves. I want to love
myself just as much as I love others.
I haven’t figured out what the specificities of these
statements will be yet. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do all the things
and I think for once I just want to be and FEEL what it is like to be better
instead of measuring it in exact quantities.
(I say this full knowing the nerd in me will need some kind
of tracking. Which is okay. I just really wanted to say that sometimes I need
to give myself a break.)
The past couple days have been weirdly emotional and reflective
for me-even more than normal new years past. I don’t know what 2014 is going to
be like. I don’t have a lot of ideas how it will end up or where I will be or
what I will be doing.
I just want it to be better.
I dreamed last night that I broke some of my teeth. I was
brushing my teeth and there was blood and bits of tooth that came out. I asked
everyone what happened and they said I must have fallen. I tried to recall if I
fell and I couldn’t remember. I just kept running my tongue over those jagged
bits of bone in my mouth feeling panicked and scared because I didn’t know what
or why it was happening.
I looked it up on Google and dreaming of broken teeth can
mean instability and lack of balance; issues with reliability and trust; guilt
or concerns over broken promises; emotional pain; fear or loss; price paid for
costly compromises; or an invitation to look at the dreamer’s current course of action or path.
Um….check. All of the above.
So I’m cautious.
Carefully optimistic about what 2014 has to offer me.
I’m not saying all this to sound like I’m depressed and that
the entire year was a failure, or that I’m not excited about goals and
resolutions. But. 2013 was just a little much for me. It was high highs and the
lowest lows. I’d prefer something a little more even keeled.
Preferably not the worst and I’m not even requesting the
best. Just a little better.
I know every day is a new day to grow in grace and all those
things everyone says, but New Year’s just feels
different.
It feels like a fresh slate to create fresh new memories.
I’m not the same I was at the start of 2013. I’m different.
I hope 2014 is too.
I hear your heart and I see your soul in this post. I'm with you. I love you, friend.
ReplyDeleteXX :)
DeleteI can't tell you how much your writing resonated with me today. So much of it matched my thinking in the past week that it was uncanny. Even the choice of being better. I've been re-reading this for the past week http://www.merlinmann.com/better looking for inspiration. Thanks for sharing your past year and where you think you are heading.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading Mike. And the link to the article- I couldn't agree more with this:
DeleteTo be honest, I don’t have a specific agenda for what I want to do all that differently, apart from what I’m already trying to do every day:
identify and destroy small-return bullshit;
shut off anything that’s noisier than it is useful;
make brutally fast decisions about what I don’t need to be doing;
avoid anything that feels like fake sincerity (esp. where it may touch money);
demand personal focus on making good things;
put a handful of real people near the center of everything.
All I know right now is that I want to do all of it better. Everything better. Better, better.
That's good stuff.