1.01.2014

Better

I don’t really want to reflect on this past year.
I don’t really want to come up with my ‘one word’ or ‘goal’ or ‘resolution.’
When I think about the expectations I had for 2013 and how it ended, I don’t feel inspired or driven. I feel…disappointed.
My therapist said ‘Expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen.’ Or something like that. I think she’s right. I went into 2013 so full of hopes and dreams and goals and plans of my own doing. When December 31st rolled around, I sure didn’t expect it to be this way.
I know everyone else is writing about coming into the year so full of energy and spunk and ALIVENESS.
But I’m coming in cautious.
I am still thinking of what specific personal goals I want to accomplish this year with my health- spiritual and physical, relationships, hobbies, finances and business. But mostly?
I just want to be better.
I want to be a better listener. To God. To myself. To T. To friends. I want to actually HEAR what is being said to me and not just dismiss what I feel doesn’t apply to me or what I don’t want to believe.
I want to be a better reader. I used to read passionately. Everything. Now I read mostly dumb articles off Facebook. I want to read books and learn things.
I want to be a better caretaker. For the most part, I take a good job of myself. But recently I just stopped caring and I can feel it. I don’t want to be that person that doesn’t care about themselves. I want to love myself just as much as I love others.
I haven’t figured out what the specificities of these statements will be yet. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do all the things and I think for once I just want to be and FEEL what it is like to be better instead of measuring it in exact quantities.
(I say this full knowing the nerd in me will need some kind of tracking. Which is okay. I just really wanted to say that sometimes I need to give myself a break.)
The past couple days have been weirdly emotional and reflective for me-even more than normal new years past. I don’t know what 2014 is going to be like. I don’t have a lot of ideas how it will end up or where I will be or what I will be doing.
I just want it to be better.
I dreamed last night that I broke some of my teeth. I was brushing my teeth and there was blood and bits of tooth that came out. I asked everyone what happened and they said I must have fallen. I tried to recall if I fell and I couldn’t remember. I just kept running my tongue over those jagged bits of bone in my mouth feeling panicked and scared because I didn’t know what or why it was happening.
I looked it up on Google and dreaming of broken teeth can mean instability and lack of balance; issues with reliability and trust; guilt or concerns over broken promises; emotional pain; fear or loss; price paid for costly compromises; or an invitation to look at the dreamer’s current           course of action or path.
Um….check. All of the above.
So I’m cautious.
Carefully optimistic about what 2014 has to offer me.
I’m not saying all this to sound like I’m depressed and that the entire year was a failure, or that I’m not excited about goals and resolutions. But. 2013 was just a little much for me. It was high highs and the lowest lows. I’d prefer something a little more even keeled.
Preferably not the worst and I’m not even requesting the best. Just a little better.  
I know every day is a new day to grow in grace and all those things everyone says, but New Year’s just feels different.
It feels like a fresh slate to create fresh new memories.
I’m not the same I was at the start of 2013. I’m different.

I hope 2014 is too.