9.05.2011

Because this is Real Life

I’ve written nothing but fluff for most of the time I’ve had this blog.
There have been maybe one or two real posts about how I feel about me and about my personal life. There is a lot that I don’t share. For those closest to me, it doesn’t matter because they already know. For everyone else, maybe they’re wondering if I’m ever going to write anything raw or heartfelt or anything besides ‘hey look what I did!’ or ‘hey this is all the stuff I dig!’

Well...here you go people.

A few weeks ago I was going through this thing…and even though I know it’s silly and unprecedented I just couldn't stop it from spiraling out of control.

Let me explain….
Many moons ago, in my high school years, I was the epitome of an after school special:
Adolescent Girl gets made fun of because she's different,  turns into low self-esteem, turns into borderline eating disorder in attempt to boost said esteem, starts eating again but turns to boys/booze/whatever she can get her hands on all in an effort to build esteem…and we all know how the story ends.

Either the Girl realizes that nothing can make her feel good about her but HER and moves on with her life to become the person she always knew she could be.
Or she dwells in the sad pity party that is her life and basically amounts to exactly what everyone expects her to be- nothing.

I chose Door #1. 
I moved on and up with my life. I found the healthy things that made me feel good about me. I quit putting all my stock in what others think or how I look or what I have or what men think about me. I found friends and people who are positive influences in my life and build me up rather than bring me down.

But there are occasions where Pity Party Patty likes to show up. And she is sort of nuts.
I’m actually embarrassed to say write this because it’s so DUMB.

A few weeks back, she showed up in town.  
Once again, I was comparing myself to others, looking at what I think I should or should not be, caring what others think (real or imagined) and all around reverting to my 14 year old emotionally distressed self.

Grrrr….WTH????

I was a train wreck of emotions- over analyzing every little thing, thinking the absolute worst about every situation and living in that place of complete self-loathing. I felt like nothing I did was right or good enough for anyone. I felt like all of a sudden I was completely unsure of myself.
Honestly, I wasn't sure what caused it. I think it was a combo of feeling very down about my foot, feeling a little like T and I hadn't been spending as much time together and feeling threatened by other women in my life. Not because they did anything outright that I SHOULD feel threatened about but basically just because they were in a place of self-love and confidence and I was not. Does that make sense?
I tried to explain this all to T and all we ended up doing is arguing. And I sound like THAT girl.

I’m really not THAT girl.
The situation just had me all beside myself.

Why do we, as women, constantly compare ourselves to other women and their successes or talents? Why do we feel the need to constantly over-analyze every situation until we’re one step away from a straight jacket? Why are we our own worst enemy sometimes?

I know I am not the only woman out there who gets crazy thoughts like this.
I actually DESPISED myself when I was arguing with T about this. I hated that I was being so shallow that I felt insecure about the person that I am. I hated that I worried that T will see how maybe I'm not perfect and then think differently about me (really Nicole?????). I hated how  my feelings of insecurity caused me and T to argue for whole DAYS. More than anything I hated how the whole thing made me feel like that sad girl I used to be.

There is nothing more unattractive than low self-esteem yet I couldn't stop myself.
This is basically what it boiled down to:
I didn't believe in myself enough to realize that I maybe I can't be the best at everything but that's okay.
I didn’t believe in the worthiness of my own happiness enough to just revel in the pure joy that is T and I’s relationship without analyzing it to death.

I’ve come a loooooooong way from that adolescent girl with all the issues, but I’m not 100% there yet.

I know that 98% of what I was thinking was pure insanity, figments of my imagination and I should have just let it go.
I know that learning to love myself and to ‘do me’ is not going to happen overnight.
There is work to be done.

I'm not sure what turned my thinking around. I spent some time talking out my feelings with friends. I spent time reflecting on what caused me to feel the way I was feeling and whether those feelings were valid or whether they were just a product of a few down days. I talked to T.

I got my head on straight.

You know,
I rewrote this post 3 or 4 times before deciding to actually post it. I feel a little bit like it's showing what's 'behind the curtain,' per se.
But writing a blog about finding balance and growing as a person has to include the bad stuff too.

Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows.

There are going to be days (even weeks) where nothing seems to go right and you just can't shake feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Where it seems like no area of your life is really going the way you want it to.

Those are the times when you have to remind yourself of the beautiful and unique person that you are. Remind yourself of the wonderful and supportive people you have in your life. Change your way of thinking.
Focus on the positive.
Let go of the negative.
Find a balance.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy

 Have you ever gotten into the kind of 'downer' I'm talking about? What helped you get out of it?