I have today off of work. This is the second Tuesday in a row I took time off. I also had yesterday off. And the Monday before that. And I'll have next Monday off too.
To say that I'm really enjoying pretending to be a stay-at-home-writer-lady is an understatement.
A 'normal' weekday for me would look like this:
4:45 Get up and ready for gym
6:45 Breakfast and pack lunch for work
5:30 Home to feed dog, do laundry, pick up, pay bills,etc
7:30-8 Cook dinner
9:00 Read, watch TV, write, work on a knitting project if there is not laundry to be done or work prep for the next day
Today was more like this...
4:45 Get up and ready for gym
6:45 Breakfast- read work email and watched Oprah
7:30 still watching Oprah and drinking coffee
8:30 Uploading pics, planning blogs, checking out Facebook and Twitter
10:00 Read Jane Eyre while I got my oil changed
11:00 Had a snack and blogged. Made lunch plans (dawdling)
12:30 Coffee and lunch with Kelly and Baby Nora. Great convo and great lunch guests.
1:30 Stroll through Sculpture Park and around Downtown, ice cream at Java Joe's
3:00 Headed back towards home
And the rest of my plans today consist of watching a documentary, talking Roxy on a walk, cooking for me and T and watching Biggest Loser.
Maybe these schedules don't look much different to you except I didn't work today.
To me, they feel entirely different.
On any given work weekday my mindset would be 'What needs to be accomplished next? What time is it? How much time do I have? Where can I squeeze that into my schedule?'
Today is more like 'I feel like talking a walk. I think I will. Wow- what a beautiful day. Maybe I'll write later. This weather reminds me of a time when....I should write about that. The smell of spring and grass and warm weather ahead. Or maybe I'll just sit and enjoy a cup of coffee, watch the day pass and let my mind wander where it wants.'
Maybe it is incredibly idealistic and naive of me to think that I could have a job or lifestyle where I could always be in the second mindset. Relaxed but engaged. Creative and calm. Allowed to work at my own pace on something I feel passionate about. Not rushed. Not feeling the pressure of never-ending mindless tasks. Not bored.
Don't get me wrong- I love my corporate job. I make a good salary, get a bonus occasionally, have benefits and paid time off.
But I'm not IN love with my job.
Sorry job, it's not you. It's me.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was to share my story about finding peace and balance in all areas of my life. Express the thought process of discovering things about myself and facing them head on. Identifying them. Giving them a name.
I'm not sure what this one is, but I've used the term 'mid-life crisis' occasionally.*
* I realize most people do not have a mid-life crisis in their 20's but I'm advanced for my age.
I'm not sure what changed.
Something shifted. Or maybe it has been a gradual realization that maybe everything I worked so hard to get to is not really what I want.
But what do I want?
That, my friends, is the million dollar question.
I have a plethora of ideas: be a blogger, open a coffee shop/music venue, go back to school to be a dietitian or...? But can I make a living writing? Selling coffee? Promoting local music? Helping people live healthier?What if I take the leap? Break up with my job and date a new one?
What if I hate it.
I have more questions for myself than answers. I'm not sure what to do with this new found knowledge about myself. I took a few days off this month in the hopes that having a few days to relax, catch up on some 'me' time and clear my head would lead to a new found energy and zest for work. Rekindle the romance with financial consulting.
The exact opposite has occurred.
I actually feel more dread about going back to work tomorrow. I don't hate it, I just don't care anymore.
I'm not sure which is worse.
So, what to do? Stay? Try to work through this bump in the road? Or venture out on my own for a new love?
I'm not sure this is something I can answer today. Or anytime in the near future. I think figuring out what makes you happy, vocationally, and taking the leap to do so, is incredibly courageous. I know a few people who have done it. It wasn't without a lot of hard work. And soul-searching.
I'm not sure I'm brave enough. Or faithful enough.